Life

Sometimes I miss the times when life felt like it was on “free mode.” At least, that’s how it felt back then. Looking back, I’m not even sure that was true. Things were just… slower. Slow enough that I didn’t notice what was really going on.

Everything felt more surface-level. Less intense. Now it’s like lesson after lesson. Every time I fall under the illusion that I can run, I get hit in the face with that fact that I’m not allowed to.

I used to think I was free to do whatever I wanted, even things that weren’t right for me. Just for the experience. For the plot. Like a clueless teenager. Turns out… not really.

What’s funny is, I see people who choose this kind of growth. They consciously decide to work on themselves, to heal spiritually, to expand their consciousness. I genuinely admire that. I didn’t choose it. It just… happened. And I was not at all prepared for what that actually meant. I wasn’t prepared for what it takes to really listen to yourself. To stop being so stubborn. To surrender over and over again. 

And that kind of experience humbles you in ways you don’t expect. Things you used to enjoy just… fall away, forcefully. And something else needs that space.

Letting go isn’t easy. Not at all.

Sometimes I look at people my age and feel like I’m in a completely different phase. Like I’ve been pushed into a version of life people usually reach much later, in their late 30s/early 40s. This feels early. Rushed, even. 

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for anyone. This whole process comes in waves. Some days feel lighter, some feel heavy, but overall… it’s a lot. It’s intense.

You grow. You change. And sometimes you catch yourself becoming the kind of person you once hoped you’d never be. But life apparently decided to put you in that person’s shoes more than a couple of times instead. 

Ironic? Definitely. Funny? Not really.

I think the only real way through it is to stay focused on yourself. On your path, even if it looks nothing like you imagined. To learn how to show up differently. To actually live like a grounded, healthy adult.

Because doing the same things over and over again and expecting something different to happen… that’s just a loop. And no matter how familiar it feels, it keeps you stuck.

At some point, you have to break that pattern. Take the risk.

And trust where life is taking you, even if you don’t fully understand it yet.