Tag: love

  • What the Map of Consciousness Taught Me

    For most of my life, there has been a certain magic to being me.

    Not magic in the sense that unicorns were running around Switzerland or that I could predict lottery numbers. More like a feeling that life was alive. Synchronicities. Coincidences. Intuition. Meaningful encounters. The feeling that life was speaking a language beneath words.

    I would find feathers when I needed reassurance. Animals would appear at oddly symbolic moments. Strangers would say exactly what I needed to hear. The right song would play at the right time. A dream would answer a question I hadn’t even asked out loud yet.

    Life felt poetic.

    Then I injured my knee. And suddenly the magic disappeared.

    At first I thought I was grieving the injury itself. The loss of movement. The uncertainty. The frustration of not being able to trust my body the way I used to.

    But as the weeks passed, I realized something deeper had happened.

    Life felt ordinary. Not bad, not terrible. Just ordinary.

    I could sit in places I loved and feel nothing. I could do things I normally dream about and still feel disconnected.

    Even being in Bern, a city that has always felt magical to me, didn’t bring me back to myself. I could float down the Aare, sit in Marzili, soak up the sunshine, and still feel emotionally flat.

    That contrast taught me something important. The magic was never coming from Bern. The magic was never coming from the river. The magic was never coming from the synchronicities.

    The magic was coming from me. Or more specifically, from the state I was in.

    Around this time, I found myself revisiting the Map of Consciousness created by David R. Hawkins.

    The model proposes that human emotions exist on a spectrum of consciousness.

    At the lower end are states such as shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, desire, and anger.

    Above those come courage, neutrality, willingness, and acceptance.

    Higher still are states like reason, love, joy, and peace, and of course, enlightenment.

    Whether the exact numerical calibrations Hawkins assigned to these states are objectively accurate isn’t particularly important to me. What interested me was the practical observation behind the model.

    Different emotional states create radically different experiences of life. Anyone who has gone through heartbreak already knows this.

    The world looks different when you’re grieving. The same street. The same city. The same people. The same weather. Yet everything feels different.

    The external reality remains the same. The internal lens changes.

    At some point I stopped trying to force myself back into joy.

    That wasn’t working. When you’re grieving, telling yourself to “just be happy” is about as effective as telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon.

    Instead, I started treating my emotional state like a staircase.

    I didn’t need to jump from grief to joy. I just needed to climb one step. 

    Grief to acceptance. Acceptance to gratitude. Gratitude to appreciation. Appreciation to love. Love to joy.

    Instead of fighting what I was feeling, I started observing it.

    Awareness itself is the first move.

    I accepted that I was grieving. I accepted that I was scared. I accepted that my identity had taken a hit. I accepted that my body was forcing me into a rebuilding phase whether my ego liked it or not.

    And something interesting happened.

    The more I stopped resisting my emotional state, the lighter it became.

    As my inner state shifted, life slowly started feeling alive again.

    Not because my knee suddenly healed (though I started walking normally as the joint effusion disappeared miraculously after my 3rd Aareschwumm after I shifted my inner state and learned my lesson from all of this.)

    But because I changed.

    The grass felt softer beneath my feet. The sunshine felt warmer. I noticed beauty again.

    And that’s when I realized something. The butterfly wasn’t creating the magic. The stranger wasn’t creating the magic. The sunshine wasn’t creating the magic.

    I was. Or rather, my state of consciousness was – and the realization that we can change where we operate from hit.

    I think many of us spend our lives trying to change our external reality in hopes of feeling differently.

    A new relationship. A new city. A new job. A new hobby. A new version of ourselves. And sometimes those things help.

    But often we carry the same state of consciousness into every new situation and wonder why the magic never arrives.

    I thought I missed Bern. What I actually missed was myself. I thought I missed the river. What I actually missed was my connection to life. I thought I had lost the magic. What I had really lost was access to it. Temporarily.

    For years, there were times when I wished I could be more normal. Less sensitive. Less intuitive. Less aware. Less connected. Less affected by things I couldn’t explain logically.

    Then I got a glimpse of what life felt like without that connection.

    And I realized I wouldn’t trade it for anything. The injury gave me many lessons. It taught me patience, surrender, humility. It taught me how much I had tied my identity to movement.

    But perhaps the most important lesson was this: The magic isn’t something that happens to me. It’s something that happens through me. And I truly appreciated the way I am, maybe even for the first time in my life.

    The more connected I am to myself, the more connected I become to life.

    The more I move toward acceptance, gratitude, love, joy, and peace, the more magical reality appears.

    Not because reality itself changes. Because I do.

    That’s what the Map of Consciousness was trying to point toward all along. Not a hierarchy of emotions. Not a scorecard. Not a spiritual competition.

    Just a reminder that the way we experience reality is deeply influenced by the state from which we’re experiencing it.

    And if that’s true, then perhaps the real work isn’t changing our lives drastically. Perhaps it’s changing the lens through which we see them.

  • When the Magic Temporarily Goes Quiet

    For the past few weeks, with my heart broken by my knee injury and sitting in grief, it felt like the magic had disappeared from my life.

    Our emotional states carry different frequencies. Grief and heartbreak sit on lower ones, not in a “bad” way, but in a way that changes what we notice, what we attract, and how we experience reality. And if you’re used to living in higher states like love, peace, and joy, the drop can feel especially sharp. The contrast is undeniable.

    I tried consciously to lift myself out of it. Coming into acceptance and neutrality was the first step. I reminded myself how grateful I am for my usual state, and how life tends to feel almost magical when my inner world is aligned in a certain way.

    Slowly, small things started finding me again. And I started feeling a bit more alive.

    But there were also moments that felt confronting, like feeling emotionally flat even in a city I love most, doing things I normally associate with joy in their simplest form: Aareschwumm, being in Marzili, hanging out in a neighborhood that feels like home getting the coffee I had been craving like an addict. Things I usually dream about when I can’t have them. That contrast hit hard at first. Even hours at the spa did not bring me back to life. 

    Bern has always felt like a kind of magic for me. Not because the city itself is magic, although it is beautiful, calm, and peaceful, but because it usually brings me back to myself so easily. I feel aligned, light, connected to myself almost immediately. And yet, for the first few days, that connection wasn’t there. Not feeling it made me realize even more how much of that experience comes from within me.

    And then something shifted.

    Little coincidences started appearing again. Finding a small blue plastic butterfly that felt symbolic. A man from Lausanne talking to me about Aareschwumm as it was his dream, asking where to get a floating bag. Feeling the grass under my feet, sun on my skin, connecting with strangers, children smiling. Small things but they changed something in me.

    My state started to soften, and life suddenly became more vibrant again. 

    This experience made me see, very clearly, how important it is for me to stay connected to my natural state of joy. I love that version of me, the one who feels magnetic, open, alive. The one who notices synchronicities: bees, dragonflies, spiders landing on me, eye contact with dogs, children smiling, birds crossing my path. The feeling that life is poetic. Layered. Full of quiet meaning. Sunlight, prism light flashes, intuition humming in the background.

    And I notice now: those things don’t show up in the same way when the heart is heavy.

    They don’t show up when I’m crying inside when physical pain sits in my body like a knife.

    That’s part of why this injury has affected me so deeply. It wasn’t only the loss of movement, or walking without pain, or trusting my body the way I used to. It wasn’t only the frustration of seeing weakness where strength used to feel automatic.

    It was also the temporary loss of that inner connection: the intuitive, almost effortless sense of magic that has been with me for as long as I can remember, even when I was going through difficult times. 

    Life became ordinary in a way that felt unfamiliar. Like I had stepped out of myself for a while. And if I really did, I wonder where I was, because I was definitely not here. Time stretched out. Weeks felt like years. And everything pre-injury felt like distant past life memories. 

    And strangely, that contrast became the reminder.

    Because even through the grief, I could see how deeply I value that way of being. I don’t just miss it, I recognize it as part of who I am.

    And now, even with everything still unfolding, I feel grateful. Not because it was easy, but because it showed me the difference so clearly.

    And it brought me back to appreciating the way I naturally experience life. 

  • Rebuilding in Softness

    I’ve been struggling with left knee injuries and recently got an MRI, and I did what any investigative Virgo-minded person would do: I went down the radiology rabbit hole and spent hours researching knee anatomy, studying MRIs, comparing healthy knees to various injuries, and then comparing mine to everything I found online.

    I wasn’t trying to diagnose myself, but we can say curiosity and impatience won while I sat impatiently waiting for my radiology report and follow-up appointment.

    Eager for answers, I did a little self-check at home and quickly found out that my knee had, in fact, forgotten what a healthy range of motion was. It won’t fully straighten. It refuses to bend past 90 degrees.

    Whatever my diagnosis ends up being, I’m very aware that I’m in a rebuilding phase. It’s time to stop revving the engine and shift from high-impact intensity into low-impact flow, which, if I’m honest, my body has been screaming at me to do for over a year.

    It started with an inflamed hip, during which an MRI accidentally revealed a herniated lower back disc that had already been hurting for quite some time. Then came the initial knee injury: the full dramatic package of popping, locking, and swelling during a hike. Then it happened again a few months later. All of this within 14 months.

    Mentally, I haven’t been doing particularly well. My 27-year-old body is behaving in ways I never expected it to. But recently, I had a perspective shift: the sooner I find these things out, the sooner I can make the necessary changes, rebuild, and come back stronger. The sooner I listen, the better my chances of creating a healthier life long-term.

    Listening, surrendering, and accepting that my body is not what my mind wanted it to be also feels like a deeper lesson for me. The mind surrendering control. In some ways, it follows the same principle often tied to the idea of ego death.

    Did life really need to force me into surrender this way? Highly offensive to my ego. Could’ve just sent an email. Apparently, that’s not how this works.

    These mobility injuries have been life-changing, not just physically, but in what they’ve taught me about surrendering, releasing control, trusting myself, trusting my healing, and learning how to let go.

    Letting go of sports I wanted to improve in. Letting go of dreams I had attached to certain physical goals. And opening myself to finding alternatives that are more aligned with how my body is actually built.

    And not to mention learning compassion, both for my own struggles and for the life journeys of others.

    I looked at my body with awareness recently and really noticed how my joints are built. They seem delicate. Small. Almost fragile. They ask for softness, not intensity.

    And when I applied that realization to my love life, something clicked.

    I had been asking for softness, empathy, and compassion, yet I kept receiving intensity, pain, and endless lessons instead.

    In some strange way, the way I had been treating my own body mirrored how I had been allowing myself to be treated in love.

    I have endurance. I have a high threshold for discomfort that allows me to push through both physical and emotional pain. I stayed in situations that were clearly hurting me longer than I should have.

    I was a 200-meter butterflier, and if you know anything about competitive swimming, you know that event teaches endurance, pain tolerance, discipline, and mental toughness. It made me resilient.

    But not always in ways that served me.

    I suffered overuse injuries in my teens, and later I suffered emotional injuries in my relationships because I didn’t know when to stop pushing.

    You don’t give up in the middle of a race because you’re exhausted. You push through.

    My mistake was applying that same principle to love.

    Now, I choose a softer, slower life. One built on compassion, pleasure, self-love, acceptance, and surrender.

    When we look at our lives with awareness, we can often begin to see how everything connects.

    And if we allow ourselves to change slowly, step by step, with baby steps, and with a little more compassion when our minds tell us we’ve failed, I really believe we can rewire the ways we were once programmed.

  • Acceptance

    At some point, we ask ourselves, “What is wrong with me?”

    Some of us grow up feeling like we don’t belong on Earth. Like we’re aliens. In a way, maybe we are. The spiritual side of the internet calls us “starseeds,” which is honestly a beautiful word for… neurodivergent.

    We didn’t come here with an internal manual on how to be human. We learned by observing, studying human behavior, analyzing interactions, and eventually building our own libraries of patterns, archived somewhere deep in our brains.

    We put on masks to fit in. We practiced social interactions, facial expressions, reactions. People rarely got to see the real us because we showed them personas we unconsciously created instead. In a way, we lived many different lives within one lifetime through those personas. We attracted many kinds of people, many different experiences… endless opportunities to study human behavior, apparently.

    We experienced pain, heartbreak, misunderstandings, betrayal, often more deeply than others seemed to, because we feel things so intensely that it doesn’t always feel rational. We trusted people. We misread situations when others weren’t being direct.

    Crowds, group settings, being around people with unregulated nervous systems… it could all feel like too much. We craved safety, silence, less stimulation. Some days, even leaving the house felt impossible, because existing out in public around other humans felt overwhelming.

    We can get a little hyper-fixated on what we love. People, places, niche interests… we can go a little too all-in and lose ourselves in it. We love to love, and search for that missing piece we felt our entire lives in people, and places.

    So many of us daydream about a different kind of Earth. One where people are softer, more understanding, compassionate, empathetic. A world without so much violence, division, jealousy, or cruelty. A world where people live in harmony, without constantly judging each other.

    A lot of neurodivergent people end up going through some kind of spiritual awakening at some point in their lives. We already tend to carry the baseline traits for it: sensitivity, intuition, vivid imagination, deep self-awareness, the ability to connect on a cellular level, and a different way of perceiving life and reality compared to neurotypical people.

    And eventually, something shifts.

    We stop masking so much. We begin understanding ourselves instead of constantly trying to “fix” ourselves. We start showing compassion toward our own nature. Yes, we are different. No, we don’t fully fit in. And slowly, we stop pretending that we do. Well… most of the time, anyway.

    We learn how to regulate our nervous systems as we get to know ourselves better. We learn discernment, boundaries, self-love, emotional regulation. We learn how to feel emotions without drowning in them. We start giving ourselves the empathy and space to simply exist. And by understanding what overstimulates us, we can create environments that actually make us feel safe, grounded, and recharged.

    And because many of us naturally exist in what feels like a “thin veil” state, with vivid inner worlds and deep imaginations, some people experience things like astral projection very naturally, without trying to force it. It can happen when the mind and body are calm. And honestly, as long as it’s approached in a grounded way, not as an escape from reality, I think it can be a beautiful way of experiencing the infinite parts of ourselves through a limited human body.

    And whether you call it “starseed” or autistic, whether you believe in spirituality and higher dimensions or simply want to create a more peaceful life here on Earth… I think what matters most is learning to be kind to yourself and to others.

    To stay grounded. Balanced. Safe within your body. And safe within yourself.

    And finding out what works for you.

    For example, I feel safer going out in public wearing a baseball cap. I don’t have to make as much eye contact with strangers, and I don’t feel as perceived. It helps my nervous system relax a little.

    I also love cities where people feel calmer, softer, more empathetic… and honestly, a little neurodivergent on average. I feel more regulated there, safer, more understood somehow. I resonate with that energy more.

    Which is funny, because it’s pretty much the complete opposite of the city I currently live in. And whenever I randomly run into strangers from the parts of that country I resonate with, there’s this soft recognition between us. Like an unspoken understanding.

    And honestly… I think that’s lovely. It feels like home.

  • Fated Encounters

    People often romanticize healing in relationships as becoming calmer, easier, softer versions of ourselves.

    But I don’t think true healing works like that.

    I think healed love is not the absence of intensity. It’s the absence of destruction.

    There’s a difference.

    Because some people are naturally deep-feeling, psychologically complex, emotionally transformative beings. They were never meant for emotionally flat connections. They were never meant to love halfway.

    The goal was never to become less intense. The goal was to become safe within the intensity. That’s what evolved union really is.

    Not two wounded people desperately trying to complete themselves through each other. Not obsession mistaken for destiny. Not emotional chaos disguised as passion.

    But two self-aware people choosing honesty over defense mechanisms. Again and again.

    The truth is, many profound connections begin in survival mode. Two people recognize each other deeply, but they meet before they fully know how to hold that depth without fear.

    So the relationship becomes: projection, longing, triggering, running, returning, awakening, separation, growth.

    Not because the love is fake. But because the nervous systems involved are still translating intimacy as danger.

    That’s why healing changes everything.

    In an evolved union, love stops being a battlefield for unresolved wounds. It becomes a place where truth can exist safely.

    And suddenly: communication becomes clearer, silence becomes peaceful instead of threatening, vulnerability becomes intimacy instead of exposure, boundaries become loving instead of distancing, commitment becomes grounding instead of confinement.

    The connection doesn’t lose depth. It gains stability.

    That’s the part many people misunderstand.

    Healthy love is not emotionally numb love. It’s love where two people no longer weaponize fear against themselves or each other.

    It’s love where: control softens into trust, hyper-independence softens into interdependence, avoidance softens into honesty, projection softens into self-awareness.

    Because ultimately, evolved relationships are not built merely on chemistry.

    They are built on emotional responsibility.

    On the willingness to say: “This fear belongs to me.”

    “This wound is mine to heal.” “I will not punish you for pain created before you existed.”

    That kind of self-awareness changes everything.

    And perhaps the most beautiful part of healed union is this: the relationship no longer exists to complete either person.

    It exists to expand both of them.

    Not through suffering. Not through emotional volatility. Not through endless tests from the universe.

    But through conscious partnership.

    Through choosing each other while fully remaining yourselves.

    That’s real intimacy: not merging into one identity, but standing side by side without abandoning your individuality.

    In unhealthy connections, intensity often creates instability. But in healed connections, intensity becomes depth.

    It becomes: understanding without excessive explanation, silence that feels safe, passion without possession, freedom without emotional distance, devotion without self-erasure.

    And perhaps that is the true purpose of transformational love.

    Not to destroy us. Not to keep us trapped in longing forever.

    But to teach us how to become emotionally honest enough to sustain the kind of love we once thought would consume us.

    The irony is that people often search endlessly for “the one,” believing the magic lies entirely in finding the right person. But lasting union is rarely built by fate alone.

    It is built when two people become capable of meeting love without running from themselves inside it.

    That is when relationships stop feeling like emotional survival. And finally begin feeling like home.

  • The Flame

    I used to think relationships were about compatibility. Shared interests. Similar goals. Emotional stability. Ease.

    Then I met someone who felt less like a relationship and more like a tectonic event.

    Nothing about it made sense to my mind at first. The recognition was too immediate, not that I believed it. Too intense. Too exposing that I did not feel ready for it, and I was in fact, not. It felt like meeting someone who could see through every version of me I had carefully constructed to survive the world. Not because they were trying to, but because their presence alone made hiding impossible.

    People romanticize these connections constantly online. They package them into neat spiritual labels and dramatic slogans. But living through one is much stranger than that.

    It’s not just butterflies and synchronicities.

    It’s grief. Ego death. Obsession. Awakening. Expansion. Fear. Longing. Recognition. Transformation. Silence. Growth.

    Sometimes all before breakfast.

    The closest thing I can compare it to is being emotionally cracked open. Like life itself reached into my chest and said: “You can’t stay asleep anymore.”

    And honestly, at first, I hated that.

    I hated how deeply I felt everything. I hated how much it affected me. I hated how impossible it was to explain to people who viewed love as something linear and sensible.

    Because this connection wasn’t linear. It was deeply spiritual in the least aesthetic way possible.

    Not all “love and light.” More like: “meet your shadow, your wounds, your attachment patterns, your fear of abandonment, your fear of vulnerability, your fear of being fully seen, your controlling side.” And the countless mobility injuries as the cherries on top.

    The connection became a mirror so sharp it cut through every illusion.

    And yet somehow, beneath all the intensity, there was love. Real love. Not performative love. Not convenient love. Not ego validation disguised as love. Not the attached I ”I cannot live without you” love.

    The kind of love that changes the architecture of your inner world.

    The kind that forces you to become more honest – with yourself, without all the masks. I think that’s what surprised me most.

    I didn’t just learn how to love another person. I learned how to love myself. I didn’t just get to know the other person, I got to know myself, and the more I did, the more I understood the other person, and the dynamic of life.

    Not in the trendy self-care sense. I mean truly.

    I learned boundaries. I learned emotional responsibility. I learned not to abandon myself while loving someone else. I learned that longing can coexist with growth. I learned that pain can become transformation instead of destruction.

    I learned to trust myself, my intuition, the way my life unfolds even when it does not look like what I imagined. I learned to release control, and detach from outcomes.

    Most importantly, I learned that some people enter your life not simply to stay exactly as they arrived, but to initiate you into another version of yourself.

    And now I am learning to stay open to love without losing myself in it. Without running from it, without chasing it either. Being in the present.

    There’s a strange grief in realizing that a relationship can be profoundly meaningful regardless of outcome. Our culture teaches us that permanence is the only proof that love mattered. I don’t believe that.

    Some connections are measured by duration. Others are measured by depth.

    And some people walk into your life carrying a mirror, a match, and a map back to yourself.

    I used to ask: “How did this happen to me? Why him out of all people?” I used to deny “No, it can’t be him. No I do not accept any of this, this is highly irrational.” I wanted run, I wanted to forget. I wanted to make it all stop and go back to how everything was. Back to being unaware. Back to slow unconscious growth. Back to being… human in a very human way possible.

    Now I ask: “Who would I be if it never had?”

    And honestly? I don’t even recognize that version of myself anymore. And believe me, I grieved that version of me with sessions of ugly crying until I could not anymore. The girl I was when I first met the guy who was supposed to be just a random person. It all started then, apparently, not that I was conscious about any of this back then.

    But after all of this, currently, I’m grateful. Not because of another person, but because I got to meet the real me. And finally learned to accept all my feelings, regardless of how irrational they are to my mind. I stopped resisting transformation, and the uncomfortable growing pains. 

    Honestly, it’s oddly peaceful not to fight myself anymore. Smiling at the reminders when I used to find them haunting.

    Accepting that whatever this was changed me in the best way possible because it activated parts of me that were waiting to come alive, and the parts of me that were inauthentic to my soul, waiting to be shed like layers.

    And I think that’s beautiful. Even if nobody else understands.

  • Learning to Love

    There came a point where I realized all the ways I had been running from love. And all the ways I had obsessed over it the second my heart opened. Either I was too detached, rational and emotionally closed off, or too attached, dreamy and completely consumed by it. There was never really a middle ground. 

    That’s not healthy, is it? Both extremes still signal to life that I don’t fully know how to love in a grounded, healthy way. 

    I’m obviously not going to receive the kind of love I dream of only to repeat the same cycles again. That chapter of my life feels closed now. We’re apparently doing everything differently this time, from scratch. Which is honestly disorienting. It feels very “The Fool” and “The Sun” with a hint of “The Star.” If you know Tarot, you know exactly what I mean. 

    So I started asking myself: how do we open our hearts to love without getting lost in it? How do we allow intimacy without disappearing into fantasy, over-giving, projection and the endless hopeless romantic spiral that ends up hurting more than reality itself? 

    I have always felt split between two versions of myself. 

    One is the hopeless romantic fairy with sparkly doe eyes who wants soul-level love, eternity, poetry, destiny and emotional merging. 

    The other is detached, hyper-rational, emotionally guarded, uncomfortable with vulnerability, needing space and solitude, trying to control emotions, situations and outcomes before they can become overwhelming. 

    For a long time, I thought inner union meant choosing one side or perfectly balancing the two. And in many ways, I have balanced them. But apparently, love was the final lesson. 

    The truth is, both sides were fear responses in different disguises. One side escaped into fantasy and emotional intensity. The other escaped into detachment and control. 

    And somewhere in between those extremes, I found the actual lesson: 

    “I can feel someone deeply without losing myself in them.” 

    That sentence changed everything for me. 

    I realized healing wasn’t about becoming less sensitive, less intuitive or less romantic. It wasn’t about killing the dreamy, spiritual, deeply feeling parts of myself. Those parts are beautiful. 

    The real lesson was learning to pair them with grounding. 

    To pair intuition with discernment. Sensitivity with boundaries. Romantic depth with self-respect. Spiritual connection with reality. An open heart with emotional regulation. 

    To stop confusing chaos with depth. To stop romanticizing inconsistency, ambiguity and emotional suffering as signs of “real love.” 

    Because real love is not losing yourself in another person. It’s being fully yourself while loving them deeply. 

    And honestly? It’s easier said than done. Especially when you’re naturally wired toward fantasy, longing and intensity. But I genuinely believe everything can be rewired with awareness and practice. 

    Maybe balance was never about becoming half-dreamer and half-logician. 

    Maybe it was about learning how to keep my heart open without getting lost in the process.

  • Sovereignty

    Imagine a connection that’s not just chemistry, attraction, or even love. It’s an energetic mirror that amplifies everything that is still unresolved, distorted, or rooted in programming, which also happens to amplify all the gifts you had buried deep underneath, that you forgot you had.

    And honestly? Life glitches around the connection to a point where you think you have in fact gone insane. Then you realize it was only glitching because you were running from yourself again. Prolonged eye contact with them makes you remember what you had forgotten.

    You meet when it’s your time to wake the hell up. You recognize them, somehow. The eyes.

    However, when two people come together who are still operating from subconscious wounds, abandonment patterns, nervous system deregulation, identities built on lack, fear, or validation… this creates the push-pull, the triggers, the silence, the drama, the running, the chasing.

    Because neither of them can stabilize this thing that’s affected by every little emotional, energetic, collective, and astrological shift. They can’t stabilize what they possibly don’t even know about.

    When the time comes, after they’ve learned their lessons from each other… they separate. In separation, major karmic cycles are resolved. Either both, or one of them heals so deeply, wakes up to their power, understands the dynamic – which just happens to be a shortcut into understanding how life itself operates.

    The connection is a crash course. It’s a shortcut. What could have taken years, or even lifetimes… happens within years. That’s why it’s so intense. That’s why nobody else understands it. It’s not logical.

    The work done in separation is the work needed to get into harmonious union – with the self first. Then either with the other person, or someone completely new – that’s honestly up to life. The point is, though, whether it’s with them or with someone else, both parties can meet each other and hold themselves in it. Stay sovereign.

    It requires both people to not outsource their worth from each other, to not operate from survival or emotional reactivity, to have shifted their identity out of old patterns and into their authentic self, to be able to regulate their own nervous systems without escaping themselves and without relying on each other, and to be anchored in themselves, not anything outside of them.

    There’s no more chasing the other, no more running from the self. No guessing, no games. No emotional rollercoaster.

    The relationship becomes something that’s not rooted in control, co-dependency, validation, emotional fix-ups… but something that’s understanding, compassionate, patient, respectful, unconditionally loving.

    It doesn’t teach you how to love yourself anymore, because you love yourself. It doesn’t complete you anymore to create attachments and co-dependency, as you are already whole. It’s different from anything you had before because you are not your old self.

    I had to work on myself. I had no choice. Some people consciously do the work to be in a happy, healthy, adult relationship that may last a lifetime. My path was not of conscious free will, but of my soul rebelling against me – it had enough, apparently.

    There is one unavoidable step that people often don’t want to get into: celibacy, and focusing solely on yourself. Taking every bit of your energy back into your body. Learning how to have a very healthy relationship with yourself first, and that requires alone time. No distractions, no dating apps, no casual dating. Actually listening to yourself. Finding out who you really are without anyone else’s story mixing in with yours. Building the life you actually want to live.

    Because for what’s aligned for you to come in, and for you to be ready when it does, you need your energy inside your body – not entangled with someone else.

    You need boundaries, and you need to respect them. You need to unapologetically choose yourself, even when it appears selfish. Think of it like bootcamp. It’s a necessary phase, and once it’s completed, you can start operating from a different place, where you can both have your boundaries and still be selfless.

    In the meantime, while you’re focused on yourself, you become your own happiness. You lift yourself up to elevated states of consciousness – not someone else.

    And, babe, that’s golden.

  • Life

    Sometimes I miss the times when life felt like it was on “free mode.” At least, that’s how it felt back then. Looking back, I’m not even sure that was true. Things were just… slower. Slow enough that I didn’t notice what was really going on.

    Everything felt more surface-level. Less intense. Now it’s like lesson after lesson. Every time I fall under the illusion that I can run, I get hit in the face with that fact that I’m not allowed to.

    I used to think I was free to do whatever I wanted, even things that weren’t right for me. Just for the experience. For the plot. Like a clueless teenager. Turns out… not really.

    What’s funny is, I see people who choose this kind of growth. They consciously decide to work on themselves, to heal spiritually, to expand their consciousness. I genuinely admire that. I didn’t choose it. It just… happened. And I was not at all prepared for what that actually meant. I wasn’t prepared for what it takes to really listen to yourself. To stop being so stubborn. To surrender over and over again. 

    And that kind of experience humbles you in ways you don’t expect. Things you used to enjoy just… fall away, forcefully. And something else needs that space.

    Letting go isn’t easy. Not at all.

    Sometimes I look at people my age and feel like I’m in a completely different phase. Like I’ve been pushed into a version of life people usually reach much later, in their late 30s/early 40s. This feels early. Rushed, even. 

    But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for anyone. This whole process comes in waves. Some days feel lighter, some feel heavy, but overall… it’s a lot. It’s intense.

    You grow. You change. And sometimes you catch yourself becoming the kind of person you once hoped you’d never be. But life apparently decided to put you in that person’s shoes more than a couple of times instead. 

    Ironic? Definitely. Funny? Not really.

    I think the only real way through it is to stay focused on yourself. On your path, even if it looks nothing like you imagined. To learn how to show up differently. To actually live like a grounded, healthy adult.

    Because doing the same things over and over again and expecting something different to happen… that’s just a loop. And no matter how familiar it feels, it keeps you stuck.

    At some point, you have to break that pattern. Take the risk.

    And trust where life is taking you, even if you don’t fully understand it yet.

  • You Were Never Chasing Them

    We’ve all been there. Heartbreak. Pain. Choosing someone who didn’t choose us.

    And at some point, you have to ask yourself… was I even choosing myself?

    Maybe they disappeared when you needed them most. But then you look at yourself: how many times did you disappear from your own life at the slightest discomfort? Distracting yourself, overdoing things, avoiding what you felt instead of actually sitting with it?

    Maybe they avoided confrontation. But how often have you avoided yourself? Really sitting down and facing your patterns, your emotions, every part of you without running?

    It’s easy to blame the other person. Honestly, it’s the easiest thing to do. But that’s not where growth happens.

    Growth happens when you turn inward. And yeah, it’s uncomfortable. But most real lessons are.

    We love to say, “they didn’t do this, they did that…” And sure, we’re not responsible for how someone else treats us. But we are responsible for how we treat ourselves.

    You can’t expect someone to choose you when you’re the one constantly abandoning yourself. When you’re inconsistent with yourself. When you’re chasing something outside of you that you’re not even giving yourself.

    At some point, it clicks. You were never really chasing them. And you weren’t running from them either.

    You were chasing what you thought they could give you. And running from what you needed to face within yourself.

    That’s the part no one really wants to hear. Most of the time, it’s not about the other person. It’s about you. Your life will keep showing you what you need to see, one way or another.

    I used to run from my emotions. I’d look for something, anything, outside of me to calm me down. To feel okay. I ignored my own needs, over and over again. And my body forced me to stop. I got injured. Again and again. Until I had no choice but to sit with myself.

    That’s where things started changing. I learned how to actually feel my emotions instead of suppressing them. Not control them, but regulate them. Faced myself. My patterns. It hurt like hell. Ego was destroyed. Humbled. 

    And slowly, I realized something simple but uncomfortable. I already had everything I was looking for. The safety. The calm. The peace. The love. It didn’t mean I didn’t love that person. 

    Unconditional love, exists, and it’s simple. It’s the expectations, the control, the attachment, that’s what complicates it. That’s what turns it into something heavy.

    And letting go of that? That’s not easy.

    The mind wants control. It wants certainty. It wants to know how things will play out.

    But life doesn’t work like that. At some point, you end up in a place where you have to surrender. Where you trust that things are working out, even when they don’t look the way you expected.

    I was stubborn. Really stubborn. Impatient. Controlling. I wanted things my way, and I didn’t handle it well when they weren’t.

    That version of me got humbled. Hard. Do those tendencies still show up sometimes? Of course. The difference is, they don’t run my life anymore. Now I catch myself. Sometimes immediately, sometimes a little later: but I see it. And I take a step back.

    It’s a process. But the more you get to know yourself -without all the noise, without other people’s stories mixing into yours- the easier it gets.

    At the end of the day, this whole “journey” people talk about? It’s really just learning how to function as a healthy, grounded human being.

    Not constantly chasing. Not constantly running. Just… being whole. Feeling safe. Being present. 

    And weirdly enough, even the parts of me that used to feel chaotic or all over the place started settling. That surprised me the most. For a while, it felt like I was going in the opposite direction: nothing made sense, things felt messy, intense.

    But in the end, it brought me here. To a version of myself that feels stable. Clear. Present. Someone who can focus on herself. Set boundaries. Speak up. Protect her energy. Enjoy life without guilt. Go after what matters to her, even if no one else understands it.

    Someone who can love without losing herself.

    Who’s made peace with her past. Who’s still learning, still growing, but no longer running. Looking back, yeah… I gave myself some tough lessons.

    But I was never alone in it. Life met me where I was, every single time. And now? I’m just… grateful. Still learning. Still surrendering.

    But trusting it all a lot more.

    And if all of this means I’ve apparently turned into an “avoidant” in love? Protection. It’s not my time to be with someone else. It’s time to be with myself.