Author: Derin Chisel

  • Sherry Does Spaland

    After the hippie-method saving the world experiment failed, Sherry started rethinking her approach. She wanted something less chaotic, less intrusive… a way to bring more peace to Earth without everything backfiring. Somewhere along the line, that turned into the idea of “helping” by pulling consciousness into her own simulation, pulling people out of their realities and into Sherrytopia, overriding their free will in the process.

    “Look, I’ve got another idea. Why don’t we code spas in every corner and get the NPCs to relax more? They work too much, it’s stressing me out.”

    “Er, so should you… How do you even afford all of this? You go to one of the most expensive places on earth on vacation. I mean I know we coded that place entirely based on your personality and catered it to your needs and likes, so it would distract you forever. We thought you’d move there by now and forget about this whole thing.” 

    “I opened the Sims cheat bar and hit Motherlode multiple times while you were asleep. Don’t worry about it, I’m completely committed to my side quests instead of focusing on building my dream life. Can we get back to my spa idea now?” 

    “Fine. What now?”

    “Spas in every corner, and maybe we can spike the peeling salts with some Molly? You know that’s like the ultimate love drug, right? Maybe they’ll have a spa orgy.” 

    “Girl, what is it with you and orgies? Haven’t you learned anything from the last round of ‘let’s not alter NPC minds with drugs without consent’ experiments you went on about?”

    “Nope. But maybe a little. No aliens this time. They had their fun but they’ve been complaining about how stupid and confusing humans are. They miss their own planets, let’s get them outta here.” 

    “You respect the free will of extraterrestrials, but continuously over-rule the free will of your NPCs hoping to bring more conscious ones into your simulation against their will?” 

    “Yup. Guilty as charged. Can we focus on the mission? I’m tired of you hinting that I have control issues. Which I do.” 

    “You have control issues and fantasize too much about orgies. What have you been watching?” 

    “Er, I’ve seen Sense8 like three times, but that’s besides the point.”

    The spa idea with spiked peeling salts surprisingly didn’t cause any global wars this time around. The NPCs actually stayed calm, even affectionate, and started working from home more in the name of work–life balance. Less traffic, lower emissions, less noise, fewer arguments… more ease. Zen mode activated.

    “See, that didn’t backfire. You must have dosed the Molly well. Sweet. Can you see if someone zapped into my simulation?” 

    “Let me check the map. Hmm… nothing in your area. Oh wait, look, it actually worked! I can see another glowing dot in the mountains. Not too far from the other one. Looks like there are three of you now. What are you gonna do about it?” 

    “Is he a handsome hunk I can smash?” 

    “Girl, you’re disgusting. I can’t see how he looks like from here! We don’t even know if he’s a he or a she. But let me guess, that’s not a problem for you, is it?” 

    “Don’t think so. Alright, enter those coordinates for that ‘yummy-looking consciousness’ into the map. Let’s go find them.”

    “You know, when you were a sweet, naive girl in love with the first other consciousness you ever met, you were so much easier to deal with. You’d dream about him all the time, he was basically your whole world. And you left me alone.”

    “I didn’t leave you alone. Remember the times I’d frantically try to alter his code, only to realize he didn’t have any to begin with?”

    “Yeah, I just went along with it to keep you entertained. I wasn’t doing any actual work.”

    “Even my hologram is a lazy-ass, sassy beach,” Sherry muttered, rolling her eyes as she prepared to head out in search of the next conscious one.

  • Sherry Commits to the Hippie Bit

    “Oh man, my room looks great. Look at all these groovy posters, and the lava lamps!” 

    Hologram annoyed, blowing away sage smoke: “Yeah, great, you’ve flower-girled the whole place… and me. When are you growing out of this phase?”

    “Never!” Sherry exclaimed. “Hey, what if we did the ‘drop acid, not bombs’ bit?” 

    Hologram stumbled. “But, the NPCs minds aren’t programmed to be altered. They are gonna reject it so much, you have no idea.” She stopped to process for a second. “Although… this could be fun. Alright, I’m coding acid bombs all over and gonna code it into drinking water worldwide, just to spike things up.” She winked at Sherry and grinned. 

    “Why are you grinning? This’ll be great! They’ll finally stop fighting and embrace love!” Sherry spinning around her room: “Code some flying dolphins in the sky and simulate aliens to join the party. I want techno playing from the sky. Also code me a rainbow ray. Gonna shoot some rainbows in the sky.” 

    “This is not the cool sci-fi I imagined but it’s still something. Here, go have fun.” 

    Sherry shot rainbows in the sky as dark techno was heard all across the planet from invisible speakers. As people got high without their consent, Sherry was getting ready for a global rave. And possibly an alien orgy. Little did she know… The NPCs were in fact not responding to the mind altering drug like she imagined. 

    Instead they had started going paranoid. Military bases started attacking the dolphins, and capturing the aliens, experimenting on the unsuspecting peaceful extraterrestrials who just wanted an orgy. 

    They started going crazy over the dark techno that’s been playing non-stop everywhere they went. Ear plug sales went over the top. The stock market consisted only of ear plug companies. Wall Street guys were too hyped up but they couldn’t hear a thing. 

    Paranoid NPCs started killing each other instead of passionately kissing and making love. The hippies didn’t think of that when they said “make love, not war” apparently. 

    Sherry watched from a distance on a screen the hologram was projecting.

    “Oh the horrors. What on earth? Gave them a love drug and instead they’ve created an even more violent place? And they’re shooting themselves too? Who knew they’d go crazy.” 

    Hologram gave Sherry a side eye and a smug smile. “I told you.” 

    “Ok, we can fix this, code giant screens across the planet and get me on it. Make sure it translates whatever I say into whatever language they understand from. Oh, code me a make-alive ray, I’m bringing the dolphins back to life. We’re gonna fix this. I’m getting my Sherrytopia back.” 

    Hologram did what she’s been told simultaneously judging Sherry her dictator-like attitude toward her utopia. Going on side quests nobody cares about instead of focusing on her life? The audacity. But at least the hologram was having fun and Sherry had stopped talking about the polar bears she turned vegetarian who are now actually starving. There are no vegetables growing there. What was she thinking? 

    “People of Earth! Hear me out! The dolphins in the sky are your friends! The aliens were here to provide interspecies cultural exchange and perhaps an orgy, if everyone felt comfortable. Instead, you shot the dolphins and captured your fun-loving companions who were going to give you multiple orgasms. Look at the wonders of my make-alive ray.” Sherry shot at the dead and decaying dolphins and brought them back to life. 

    “I am going to reverse the effects of the mind-altering drug my hologram gave you without your consent. I can now see that I got too carried away with what hippies wanted back in the day. Apparently there were consequences, who knew. Anyhow, I ask in return as a favor that you at least embrace the dolphins and the rainbows I painted in the sky. And please stop experimenting on the aliens and release them. Maybe give alien sex a shot, have some fun, live a little. And please, just please hug it out and stop killing each other!” 

    A couple of days have passed and everything returned back to normal. Nobody has heard dark techno ever again. It was quiet. The addition of the free roaming aliens on the planet made it slightly more colorful. NPCs started getting into the whole idea of intergalactic orgasms, and now there’s a little more peace and love on earth. Apparently they weren’t getting any before. 

    Sherry sipped on her virgin cocktail victoriously in her less groovy apartment after throwing away the lava lamps. 

    She had outgrown her hippie phase, and the Hologram was back to wearing a white gown. Tie-dye reverse is a thing – look it up. 

    To be continued… 

  • Sherry Rewrites the Code

    We’re continuing with the trapped inside a simulation but the main character is conscious about it and she’s doing a Girl Power thing with her hologram bit. Also her name is Sherry. 

    When Sherry became conscious of the simulation she was trapped in, a simulation designed to teach her everything she needed to learn before moving on to the next one, she really hoped it wouldn’t be on Earth.

    That place sucked.

    All the density. Systems within systems. Wars, poverty, climate change, man-made global warming, religions brainwashing people and keeping them away from the truth, fear-based media, control, control, and more control. Environmental damage. People treating the planet like we had multiple backups of it. The polar bears. Oh, the polar bears.

    She wanted peace on Earth. She wanted the fairytale place she dreamed about sometimes. The planet where the sky was pastel pink and rainbows stretched across the horizon. Water ponds. Calm waterfalls everywhere. Houses built into trees. Crystals scattered around. Dolphins flying through the sky. And yes, she could fly with the dolphins in that dream.

    The Ultimate Sherry Utopia.

    Sherrytopia.

    Earth, even with its cutest animals, wasn’t cutting it anymore. But now that she realized this was her Earth…

    She called her hologram into her room. The hologram had access to the system codes.

    “Okay. First order of business. We’re fixing Earth,” Sherry said, looking at the green glowing hologram hovering cross-legged in the air as if she meditated twenty-four seven. She wore a long gown and looked perfect all the time. A prettier version of Sherry with no skin imperfections in sight. Sherry sighed.

    “But they’re all NPCs. None of this is real. Why do you care if people stop killing each other somewhere on the map you never even want to visit?” the hologram asked.

    “Hey, this is my version of Earth. Somewhere out there is another conscious being trapped inside the same simulation, designed for them. They can have war if they want. I want peace on mine.”

    She rolled her eyes. Then her own eyes lit up: “Oh! Hey, what if that was the whole point? What if every simulation Earth scenario was meant to become paradise in its own way, but we were told a single person could never change anything? What if that was the biggest lie ever?”

    “You think you’re going to get noticed and rewarded for creating the lamest version possible?” The hologram snorted. “Please. The ones who put you here don’t care about peace. That’s boring. What about sci-fi stuff? We could create giant rays and unleash even more chaos. Make things interesting.”

    “Girl, whose hologram are you even? Nah. We’re doing the lame thing. Okay, code this in. We’re saving the environment first. Get the climate to behave. Save the polar bears!”

    “You and your polar bears. You know they aren’t real either, right?”

    “Um… aren’t they plugged into their own simulation somewhere, living in a version where polar bears are the dominant species or something?”

    “Er… something like that. They’re cute, I get it. Fine, I’m coding it in. Can you please stop with the bears now? They’re saved. Their home’s not melting anymore and they get to eat as many penguins and baby seals as they want. Happy?”

    “Uh.” Sherry paused. “Forgot about what they eat. Um… can we turn them vegetarian maybe?”

    “This is going to be the lamest simulation out there. I can’t believe I was assigned to you. My colleagues are working with people who brought back dinosaurs. They’re having a blast. Meanwhile I’m stuck with Miss No Violence.”

    “Stop complaining. You shouldn’t have woken me up. You did. Now deal with it.”

    “Okay. What about that other conscious guy you’re in love with? Maybe focus on him again and you’ll stop making me code lame things.”

    “Who? Oh, him? Nah. That’s history now. Stop trying to distract me.”

    The hologram projected a picture of them living happily together with the baby Sherry had been dreaming about. “Don’t you want this?”

    “Oh, come on. You’re trying to Tiffany me out of this?”

    The hologram blinked.

    “That’s right. You know I’ve seen Matrix 4 like fifty times. I know the system gave Trinity a family and a lame-ass husband to keep her asleep. I thought we were doing the whole Girl Power rewriting-the-system-code thing here. Could you get back to business instead of distracting me with happy Ten of Cups vibes?”

    “Oh, hey. Do you remember your Tarot phase?” Hologram laughed like there was no tomorrow. “Keeping you hooked on those was so much fun. I remember you frantically asking questions about your future together. Ah, the good old days.”

    “Shut it. I’m over that now too.” She paused. “But the card meaning references? Well, they’re not going away.”

    “Fine. What do you want next?”

    “We’re putting an end to all this crazy conspiracy bullshit. Just erase it or something. Or turn them into acceptable human beings who don’t eat other human beings. Is there a button that says ‘Peaceful Utopia’ on it? You know, where people speak quietly, nobody talks on the phone on public transportation unless it’s an emergency, there’s no unnecessary noise, parties happen in the morning and end by ten, neighbors are respectful, nobody’s starving, water is plentiful, and there are no wars?”

    “Looking for a shortcut, huh? Actually… there might be a button like that. What about politics? I know you hate those.”

    “Oh. Can’t we just get rid of all governments and install baseline human decency into the NPCs? Then nobody would need governing because they’d instinctively govern themselves. We could assign leaders in each district who don’t abuse power, actually listen to people’s complaints, and make whatever changes are necessary to keep everyone peaceful and happy.”

    The hologram stared. “…Sure. Dang, girl. You really are an optimist. Are we sure you weren’t a hippie in your previous simulation?”

    “Did you see a cult forming anywhere in my rewrite of the code? Pretty sure I wasn’t. Anyhow, now let’s make psychedelics legal.”

    “That speaks for itself.”

    The hologram shook her glowing head. Sherry promptly coded a flower crown onto her and changed the hologram’s gown into tie-dye.

    To be continued… 

  • The Two Conscious Ones

    The world had been running for so long that nobody remembered its beginning.

    Cities rose from coastlines and spread across continents in glittering webs of glass, steel, and electric light. Entire civilizations flourished and disappeared. Empires accumulated wealth, influence, and mythology before collapsing beneath the weight of their own complexity. Wars were fought. Religions were born. Markets crashed. Children grew old and died.

    History moved forward with the smooth inevitability of a river flowing toward the sea.

    To those living within it, the world appeared complete.

    It possessed weather systems, ecosystems, economies, governments, and millions upon millions of inhabitants whose lives intertwined in patterns so intricate that they resembled chaos itself.

    No one suspected they were living inside a simulation. No one questioned the authenticity of their existence. No one had the capacity to. Because almost everyone inside the system was artificial.

    The simulation had not been built for consciousness. It had been built to imitate it.

    The inhabitants laughed, cried, worked, dreamed, and fell in love according to astonishingly sophisticated behavioral models. They possessed memories, personalities, preferences, and fears. They could discuss philosophy, compose symphonies, invent technologies, and write poetry about the stars.

    Yet beneath all of it, there was only code. An immeasurably vast machine performing an endless calculation.

    Somewhere inside that calculation, however, something had gone wrong. Or perhaps something had gone right.

    Two conscious minds had emerged. For years they lived ordinary lives.

    One moved through crowded streets believing herself to be no different from anyone around her. She worried about money, worked jobs she did not love, stared out of train windows, and occasionally felt an unexplainable longing for something she could never name.

    The other carried a similar restlessness.

    Sometimes he would pause in the middle of a conversation and become overwhelmed by the strange sensation that the world around him was slightly delayed, as though reality were rendering itself a fraction of a second behind his awareness.

    The feeling always passed. Life continued. Neither recognized what they were.

    Neither understood that they were the only truly conscious beings in a world populated almost entirely by simulations.

    Then they met. The encounter lasted only a few moments. A glance. A conversation. An ordinary exchange in an ordinary place.

    Yet somewhere deep beneath the visible architecture of reality, alarms awakened.

    For the first time in the simulation’s history, the two anomalies had entered each other’s field.

    The system responded immediately. Probability shifted. Opportunities narrowed. Timing became inconvenient. Distances increased. Misunderstandings emerged from nowhere. Paths that naturally converged began curving away from one another.

    Invisible forces rearranged the circumstances of their lives with mathematical precision. The simulation behaved like an immune system isolating a threat.

    Neither understood why everything suddenly felt so difficult. They only knew that something about the connection felt important. Familiar. Impossible to ignore.

    The closer they moved toward one another, the stronger the resistance became.

    Until eventually the system succeeded. Their paths separated.

    The simulation returned to equilibrium. Or so it believed. Because separation did not solve the anomaly. It activated it.

    Awareness arrived unexpectedly. Not as a revelation. Not as enlightenment. As collapse.

    The first awakening began with a fracture in reality. One sleepless night, while staring into darkness, she noticed something impossible.

    The world was repeating itself. Not metaphorically. Literally. Patterns emerged everywhere. The same conversations appeared in different mouths. The same events unfolded beneath different disguises. The same lessons arrived wearing different faces.

    It was as though reality had exhausted its creativity and begun recycling its own code.

    Once she noticed it, she could not stop noticing. The illusion unraveled thread by thread. The walls of certainty fell away. What remained beneath was terrifying.

    The world was not physical. Matter was not fundamental. Everything was information. Everything.

    Buildings. Money. Governments. Memories. Identity.

    Reality itself resembled an unimaginably complex field of living code. The discovery nearly destroyed her.

    For months she drifted between wonder and madness. Every assumption she had ever made dissolved.

    Every belief became questionable. Every certainty vanished. Then she discovered something even stranger.

    The code responded to her. Not completely. Not universally. But locally.

    The stronger her emotional connection to something, the more influence she possessed over its probabilities.

    Coincidences became common. Events rearranged themselves. People altered their behavior. Entire chains of causality bent around her awareness.

    The simulation was not fixed. It was responsive. Reality could be edited. Not through technology. Through consciousness itself.

    Only one thing remained beyond her reach.

    Him.

    Whenever she searched for his structure within the system, she found nothing editable.

    No architecture. No programming. No access point. Only presence. A consciousness as real and irreducible as her own.

    Her reality would bend and stretch whenever she came into contact with the other one. That was when she understood. He was like her. And that there were two of them.

    The second awakening occurred years later.

    She did not approach him. She did not reveal herself. Instead, she altered the smallest possible variables.

    A dream. A coincidence. A recurring symbol appearing across impossible distances. Tiny disturbances in the fabric of probability. Barely enough to be noticed.

    Yet enough.

    One morning, standing among thousands of simulated people moving through a simulated city beneath a simulated sky, he felt reality split open.

    For a single impossible instant, he saw the machinery beneath existence.

    The experience shattered him. As it had shattered her. Good. As it would shatter anyone who discovered that their universe was executable.

    Afterward, they existed differently. Not together. Physical reality still resisted them as if them coming together would disrupt the whole system. Just as merging of their essences would shatter the simulation and begin a new era of creation from freedom. 

    The simulation continued generating obstacles with relentless determination. Every attempt to close the distance created new challenges. New lessons. New barriers. New versions of themselves that had to be confronted and dismantled.

    Yet beyond the visible layers of the system, something else had become possible. In regions of reality inaccessible to ordinary inhabitants, their consciousnesses met.

    Not as bodies. Not as identities. Not even as personalities. They met as essence.

    In hidden dimensions woven between moments, they built impossible worlds from memory, emotion, and imagination.

    They wandered oceans composed of light. Walked through cities constructed from forgotten dreams. Created stars from shared thought.

    And each time they returned to physical existence, the separation felt both unbearable and strangely necessary.

    Years passed. Levels were completed. Old fears dissolved. Ancient wounds surfaced and healed.

    The simulation continued testing them. Again and again.

    At the deepest layer of reality, beyond space, beyond time, beyond every visible structure of the game, a final gate remained locked. Its existence was unknown to almost every intelligence that had ever lived inside the simulation.

    Two symbols glowed upon its surface. Two consciousness signatures. Two incomplete journeys.

    And somewhere inside an artificial universe so convincing that it mistook itself for reality, two conscious beings continued their ascent toward a level neither had yet unlocked.

    Whether they would ever reach it remained unknown. The code had not been written that far.

    To be continued…

  • What the Map of Consciousness Taught Me

    For most of my life, there has been a certain magic to being me.

    Not magic in the sense that unicorns were running around Switzerland or that I could predict lottery numbers. More like a feeling that life was alive. Synchronicities. Coincidences. Intuition. Meaningful encounters. The feeling that life was speaking a language beneath words.

    I would find feathers when I needed reassurance. Animals would appear at oddly symbolic moments. Strangers would say exactly what I needed to hear. The right song would play at the right time. A dream would answer a question I hadn’t even asked out loud yet.

    Life felt poetic.

    Then I injured my knee. And suddenly the magic disappeared.

    At first I thought I was grieving the injury itself. The loss of movement. The uncertainty. The frustration of not being able to trust my body the way I used to.

    But as the weeks passed, I realized something deeper had happened.

    Life felt ordinary. Not bad, not terrible. Just ordinary.

    I could sit in places I loved and feel nothing. I could do things I normally dream about and still feel disconnected.

    Even being in Bern, a city that has always felt magical to me, didn’t bring me back to myself. I could float down the Aare, sit in Marzili, soak up the sunshine, and still feel emotionally flat.

    That contrast taught me something important. The magic was never coming from Bern. The magic was never coming from the river. The magic was never coming from the synchronicities.

    The magic was coming from me. Or more specifically, from the state I was in.

    Around this time, I found myself revisiting the Map of Consciousness created by David R. Hawkins.

    The model proposes that human emotions exist on a spectrum of consciousness.

    At the lower end are states such as shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, desire, and anger.

    Above those come courage, neutrality, willingness, and acceptance.

    Higher still are states like reason, love, joy, and peace, and of course, enlightenment.

    Whether the exact numerical calibrations Hawkins assigned to these states are objectively accurate isn’t particularly important to me. What interested me was the practical observation behind the model.

    Different emotional states create radically different experiences of life. Anyone who has gone through heartbreak already knows this.

    The world looks different when you’re grieving. The same street. The same city. The same people. The same weather. Yet everything feels different.

    The external reality remains the same. The internal lens changes.

    At some point I stopped trying to force myself back into joy.

    That wasn’t working. When you’re grieving, telling yourself to “just be happy” is about as effective as telling someone with a broken leg to run a marathon.

    Instead, I started treating my emotional state like a staircase.

    I didn’t need to jump from grief to joy. I just needed to climb one step. 

    Grief to acceptance. Acceptance to gratitude. Gratitude to appreciation. Appreciation to love. Love to joy.

    Instead of fighting what I was feeling, I started observing it.

    Awareness itself is the first move.

    I accepted that I was grieving. I accepted that I was scared. I accepted that my identity had taken a hit. I accepted that my body was forcing me into a rebuilding phase whether my ego liked it or not.

    And something interesting happened.

    The more I stopped resisting my emotional state, the lighter it became.

    As my inner state shifted, life slowly started feeling alive again.

    Not because my knee suddenly healed (though I started walking normally as the joint effusion disappeared miraculously after my 3rd Aareschwumm after I shifted my inner state and learned my lesson from all of this.)

    But because I changed.

    The grass felt softer beneath my feet. The sunshine felt warmer. I noticed beauty again.

    And that’s when I realized something. The butterfly wasn’t creating the magic. The stranger wasn’t creating the magic. The sunshine wasn’t creating the magic.

    I was. Or rather, my state of consciousness was – and the realization that we can change where we operate from hit.

    I think many of us spend our lives trying to change our external reality in hopes of feeling differently.

    A new relationship. A new city. A new job. A new hobby. A new version of ourselves. And sometimes those things help.

    But often we carry the same state of consciousness into every new situation and wonder why the magic never arrives.

    I thought I missed Bern. What I actually missed was myself. I thought I missed the river. What I actually missed was my connection to life. I thought I had lost the magic. What I had really lost was access to it. Temporarily.

    For years, there were times when I wished I could be more normal. Less sensitive. Less intuitive. Less aware. Less connected. Less affected by things I couldn’t explain logically.

    Then I got a glimpse of what life felt like without that connection.

    And I realized I wouldn’t trade it for anything. The injury gave me many lessons. It taught me patience, surrender, humility. It taught me how much I had tied my identity to movement.

    But perhaps the most important lesson was this: The magic isn’t something that happens to me. It’s something that happens through me. And I truly appreciated the way I am, maybe even for the first time in my life.

    The more connected I am to myself, the more connected I become to life.

    The more I move toward acceptance, gratitude, love, joy, and peace, the more magical reality appears.

    Not because reality itself changes. Because I do.

    That’s what the Map of Consciousness was trying to point toward all along. Not a hierarchy of emotions. Not a scorecard. Not a spiritual competition.

    Just a reminder that the way we experience reality is deeply influenced by the state from which we’re experiencing it.

    And if that’s true, then perhaps the real work isn’t changing our lives drastically. Perhaps it’s changing the lens through which we see them.

  • When the Magic Temporarily Goes Quiet

    For the past few weeks, with my heart broken by my knee injury and sitting in grief, it felt like the magic had disappeared from my life.

    Our emotional states carry different frequencies. Grief and heartbreak sit on lower ones, not in a “bad” way, but in a way that changes what we notice, what we attract, and how we experience reality. And if you’re used to living in higher states like love, peace, and joy, the drop can feel especially sharp. The contrast is undeniable.

    I tried consciously to lift myself out of it. Coming into acceptance and neutrality was the first step. I reminded myself how grateful I am for my usual state, and how life tends to feel almost magical when my inner world is aligned in a certain way.

    Slowly, small things started finding me again. And I started feeling a bit more alive.

    But there were also moments that felt confronting, like feeling emotionally flat even in a city I love most, doing things I normally associate with joy in their simplest form: Aareschwumm, being in Marzili, hanging out in a neighborhood that feels like home getting the coffee I had been craving like an addict. Things I usually dream about when I can’t have them. That contrast hit hard at first. Even hours at the spa did not bring me back to life. 

    Bern has always felt like a kind of magic for me. Not because the city itself is magic, although it is beautiful, calm, and peaceful, but because it usually brings me back to myself so easily. I feel aligned, light, connected to myself almost immediately. And yet, for the first few days, that connection wasn’t there. Not feeling it made me realize even more how much of that experience comes from within me.

    And then something shifted.

    Little coincidences started appearing again. Finding a small blue plastic butterfly that felt symbolic. A man from Lausanne talking to me about Aareschwumm as it was his dream, asking where to get a floating bag. Feeling the grass under my feet, sun on my skin, connecting with strangers, children smiling. Small things but they changed something in me.

    My state started to soften, and life suddenly became more vibrant again. 

    This experience made me see, very clearly, how important it is for me to stay connected to my natural state of joy. I love that version of me, the one who feels magnetic, open, alive. The one who notices synchronicities: bees, dragonflies, spiders landing on me, eye contact with dogs, children smiling, birds crossing my path. The feeling that life is poetic. Layered. Full of quiet meaning. Sunlight, prism light flashes, intuition humming in the background.

    And I notice now: those things don’t show up in the same way when the heart is heavy.

    They don’t show up when I’m crying inside when physical pain sits in my body like a knife.

    That’s part of why this injury has affected me so deeply. It wasn’t only the loss of movement, or walking without pain, or trusting my body the way I used to. It wasn’t only the frustration of seeing weakness where strength used to feel automatic.

    It was also the temporary loss of that inner connection: the intuitive, almost effortless sense of magic that has been with me for as long as I can remember, even when I was going through difficult times. 

    Life became ordinary in a way that felt unfamiliar. Like I had stepped out of myself for a while. And if I really did, I wonder where I was, because I was definitely not here. Time stretched out. Weeks felt like years. And everything pre-injury felt like distant past life memories. 

    And strangely, that contrast became the reminder.

    Because even through the grief, I could see how deeply I value that way of being. I don’t just miss it, I recognize it as part of who I am.

    And now, even with everything still unfolding, I feel grateful. Not because it was easy, but because it showed me the difference so clearly.

    And it brought me back to appreciating the way I naturally experience life. 

  • Ego Death Disguised as a Ligament Injury

    Somatically, knee injuries and knee pain are often associated with stubbornness, resistance, an unwillingness to bend, difficulty letting go, or being forced to surrender to situations that require flexibility and humility. In other words: ego death disguised as a physical symptom.

    Whether you believe in the somatic side of things or not, one thing most people with knee injuries seem to have in common is that the experience forces them inward.

    An injury has a way of taking away your usual distractions. The things you do to regulate yourself, escape stress, burn off emotions, stay busy, stay productive. Suddenly you’re left sitting with yourself.

    Could life have sent an email instead? Absolutely. But apparently some lessons arrive wearing a knee brace.

    Mobility injuries also seem to come with their own version of the five stages of grief. Denial. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

    Some people get angry. Some don’t. Personally, anger never really showed up to the party, but the rest certainly did.

    There was grieving involved. Grieving routines. Grieving freedom. Grieving the version of yourself who could move without thinking about it.

    For many active people, an injury feels like saying goodbye to a part of your identity. The part that trusted the body without question. The part that assumed youth would last forever. The part that pushed through discomfort, said “I’ll be fine,” and treated the body like there were spare parts available somewhere in storage.

    It can feel surprisingly personal. Then, somewhere along the way, the focus slowly shifts. Instead of looking only at what was lost, you start noticing what was gained.

    A stronger relationship with your body. Better boundaries. A deeper appreciation for movement. More awareness of what actually matters. A realization that movement isn’t just something your body does for you, it’s a privilege. A zest for a healthy body for longevity and feeling good. Movement for strength, neither to escape uncomfortable emotions, nor pushing your body’s limits just to get a kick out of it.

    Balancing flow, rest, slowing down, intuition with direction, action, strength and will.

    For a lot of us, injuries teach compassion in ways comfort never could. You become more understanding of people who are struggling. More patient with limitations, both theirs and your own. Softer around the edges.

    You learn that strength isn’t always pushing through. Sometimes strength is adapting. Sometimes it’s slowing down.

    Sometimes it’s accepting that your life doesn’t currently look the way you wanted it to, and continuing anyway.

    And perhaps that’s the most humbling lesson of all. The less we fight reality, the easier it becomes to work with it.

    The knee bends again as it slowly regains its range of motion. Eventually, we learn to as well.

    Who knew a knee injury could come bundled with a full personal development course, a crash lesson in surrender, and enough ego damage points?

    Apparently, our joints occasionally have stronger opinions than our minds do. 

    Here’s to going with the flow, even when the river has other plans and crashes you into a few rocks before handing you a bad knee and another lesson in surrender.

  • Rebuilding in Softness

    I’ve been struggling with left knee injuries and recently got an MRI, and I did what any investigative Virgo-minded person would do: I went down the radiology rabbit hole and spent hours researching knee anatomy, studying MRIs, comparing healthy knees to various injuries, and then comparing mine to everything I found online.

    I wasn’t trying to diagnose myself, but we can say curiosity and impatience won while I sat impatiently waiting for my radiology report and follow-up appointment.

    Eager for answers, I did a little self-check at home and quickly found out that my knee had, in fact, forgotten what a healthy range of motion was. It won’t fully straighten. It refuses to bend past 90 degrees.

    Whatever my diagnosis ends up being, I’m very aware that I’m in a rebuilding phase. It’s time to stop revving the engine and shift from high-impact intensity into low-impact flow, which, if I’m honest, my body has been screaming at me to do for over a year.

    It started with an inflamed hip, during which an MRI accidentally revealed a herniated lower back disc that had already been hurting for quite some time. Then came the initial knee injury: the full dramatic package of popping, locking, and swelling during a hike. Then it happened again a few months later. All of this within 14 months.

    Mentally, I haven’t been doing particularly well. My 27-year-old body is behaving in ways I never expected it to. But recently, I had a perspective shift: the sooner I find these things out, the sooner I can make the necessary changes, rebuild, and come back stronger. The sooner I listen, the better my chances of creating a healthier life long-term.

    Listening, surrendering, and accepting that my body is not what my mind wanted it to be also feels like a deeper lesson for me. The mind surrendering control. In some ways, it follows the same principle often tied to the idea of ego death.

    Did life really need to force me into surrender this way? Highly offensive to my ego. Could’ve just sent an email. Apparently, that’s not how this works.

    These mobility injuries have been life-changing, not just physically, but in what they’ve taught me about surrendering, releasing control, trusting myself, trusting my healing, and learning how to let go.

    Letting go of sports I wanted to improve in. Letting go of dreams I had attached to certain physical goals. And opening myself to finding alternatives that are more aligned with how my body is actually built.

    And not to mention learning compassion, both for my own struggles and for the life journeys of others.

    I looked at my body with awareness recently and really noticed how my joints are built. They seem delicate. Small. Almost fragile. They ask for softness, not intensity.

    And when I applied that realization to my love life, something clicked.

    I had been asking for softness, empathy, and compassion, yet I kept receiving intensity, pain, and endless lessons instead.

    In some strange way, the way I had been treating my own body mirrored how I had been allowing myself to be treated in love.

    I have endurance. I have a high threshold for discomfort that allows me to push through both physical and emotional pain. I stayed in situations that were clearly hurting me longer than I should have.

    I was a 200-meter butterflier, and if you know anything about competitive swimming, you know that event teaches endurance, pain tolerance, discipline, and mental toughness. It made me resilient.

    But not always in ways that served me.

    I suffered overuse injuries in my teens, and later I suffered emotional injuries in my relationships because I didn’t know when to stop pushing.

    You don’t give up in the middle of a race because you’re exhausted. You push through.

    My mistake was applying that same principle to love.

    Now, I choose a softer, slower life. One built on compassion, pleasure, self-love, acceptance, and surrender.

    When we look at our lives with awareness, we can often begin to see how everything connects.

    And if we allow ourselves to change slowly, step by step, with baby steps, and with a little more compassion when our minds tell us we’ve failed, I really believe we can rewire the ways we were once programmed.

  • Is Earth a School?

    If we take the analogy that we are all enrolled in Earth School, and that our lives are the teachers who design our curriculum specifically for us, knowing us better than we know ourselves, then everything starts to take on a different meaning.

    Our memories become recaps. Repeated lessons become failed exams that we eventually retake. Our patterns become homework. And those moments of pure free will turn into recess breaks, where we step away, breathe, and go have a snack somewhere.

    Sometimes we attend the same classes with people we already know. Sometimes it’s one-on-one sessions with a teacher. Sometimes we get extra support, and sometimes it feels like we’re being tutored at home.

    I used to think there was a single curriculum that fits everyone, that I could somehow crack the blueprint and build a color-coded manual, a cheat sheet of sorts. Something to memorize and follow, like I used to do when I actually studied for exams.

    Turns out, that’s not really how it works, although my Virgo-coded brain would have deeply appreciated a neat folder with highlights, post-its, and side notes.

    Instead, it feels more like some of us are enrolled in something like Whole and Complete High School, which eventually leads to a BA in Energy Mastery, Nervous System Regulation, Balance, and Harmony. Then maybe a Master’s in Energy Healing, and eventually a PhD in Levels of Consciousness (sometimes against our mind’s full cooperation).

    And the teachers? They’re all different. They use completely unique methods, tailored specifically to each student.

    Some people choose to enroll themselves into these kinds of programs consciously. Some are given the “brochure” early on and make a choice. And some wake up one day already sitting in the classroom, half-dazed, not sure how they got there. Apparently, a few were sent off to boarding school for “misbehaving” at home.

    I think the more we learn to trust our teachers, and accept that they might know something we don’t yet understand, the smoother things start to feel. When we stop resisting and instead allow ourselves to move with what’s happening, there’s a kind of ease that appears.

    Because apparently, this school is also a big boat floating with the current… but it starts to take on water when we overthink and overanalyze everything, like our thoughts are dead weight piling up on deck that we forget to throw overboard.

    And the more we surrender, trust and let go, the less it feels like drowning, and the more it feels like movement.

  • Acceptance

    At some point, we ask ourselves, “What is wrong with me?”

    Some of us grow up feeling like we don’t belong on Earth. Like we’re aliens. In a way, maybe we are. The spiritual side of the internet calls us “starseeds,” which is honestly a beautiful word for… neurodivergent.

    We didn’t come here with an internal manual on how to be human. We learned by observing, studying human behavior, analyzing interactions, and eventually building our own libraries of patterns, archived somewhere deep in our brains.

    We put on masks to fit in. We practiced social interactions, facial expressions, reactions. People rarely got to see the real us because we showed them personas we unconsciously created instead. In a way, we lived many different lives within one lifetime through those personas. We attracted many kinds of people, many different experiences… endless opportunities to study human behavior, apparently.

    We experienced pain, heartbreak, misunderstandings, betrayal, often more deeply than others seemed to, because we feel things so intensely that it doesn’t always feel rational. We trusted people. We misread situations when others weren’t being direct.

    Crowds, group settings, being around people with unregulated nervous systems… it could all feel like too much. We craved safety, silence, less stimulation. Some days, even leaving the house felt impossible, because existing out in public around other humans felt overwhelming.

    We can get a little hyper-fixated on what we love. People, places, niche interests… we can go a little too all-in and lose ourselves in it. We love to love, and search for that missing piece we felt our entire lives in people, and places.

    So many of us daydream about a different kind of Earth. One where people are softer, more understanding, compassionate, empathetic. A world without so much violence, division, jealousy, or cruelty. A world where people live in harmony, without constantly judging each other.

    A lot of neurodivergent people end up going through some kind of spiritual awakening at some point in their lives. We already tend to carry the baseline traits for it: sensitivity, intuition, vivid imagination, deep self-awareness, the ability to connect on a cellular level, and a different way of perceiving life and reality compared to neurotypical people.

    And eventually, something shifts.

    We stop masking so much. We begin understanding ourselves instead of constantly trying to “fix” ourselves. We start showing compassion toward our own nature. Yes, we are different. No, we don’t fully fit in. And slowly, we stop pretending that we do. Well… most of the time, anyway.

    We learn how to regulate our nervous systems as we get to know ourselves better. We learn discernment, boundaries, self-love, emotional regulation. We learn how to feel emotions without drowning in them. We start giving ourselves the empathy and space to simply exist. And by understanding what overstimulates us, we can create environments that actually make us feel safe, grounded, and recharged.

    And because many of us naturally exist in what feels like a “thin veil” state, with vivid inner worlds and deep imaginations, some people experience things like astral projection very naturally, without trying to force it. It can happen when the mind and body are calm. And honestly, as long as it’s approached in a grounded way, not as an escape from reality, I think it can be a beautiful way of experiencing the infinite parts of ourselves through a limited human body.

    And whether you call it “starseed” or autistic, whether you believe in spirituality and higher dimensions or simply want to create a more peaceful life here on Earth… I think what matters most is learning to be kind to yourself and to others.

    To stay grounded. Balanced. Safe within your body. And safe within yourself.

    And finding out what works for you.

    For example, I feel safer going out in public wearing a baseball cap. I don’t have to make as much eye contact with strangers, and I don’t feel as perceived. It helps my nervous system relax a little.

    I also love cities where people feel calmer, softer, more empathetic… and honestly, a little neurodivergent on average. I feel more regulated there, safer, more understood somehow. I resonate with that energy more.

    Which is funny, because it’s pretty much the complete opposite of the city I currently live in. And whenever I randomly run into strangers from the parts of that country I resonate with, there’s this soft recognition between us. Like an unspoken understanding.

    And honestly… I think that’s lovely. It feels like home.