People often romanticize healing in relationships as becoming calmer, easier, softer versions of ourselves.
But I don’t think true healing works like that.
I think healed love is not the absence of intensity. It’s the absence of destruction.
There’s a difference.
Because some people are naturally deep-feeling, psychologically complex, emotionally transformative beings. They were never meant for emotionally flat connections. They were never meant to love halfway.
The goal was never to become less intense. The goal was to become safe within the intensity. That’s what evolved union really is.
Not two wounded people desperately trying to complete themselves through each other. Not obsession mistaken for destiny. Not emotional chaos disguised as passion.
But two self-aware people choosing honesty over defense mechanisms. Again and again.
The truth is, many profound connections begin in survival mode. Two people recognize each other deeply, but they meet before they fully know how to hold that depth without fear.
So the relationship becomes: projection, longing, triggering, running, returning, awakening, separation, growth.
Not because the love is fake. But because the nervous systems involved are still translating intimacy as danger.
That’s why healing changes everything.
In an evolved union, love stops being a battlefield for unresolved wounds. It becomes a place where truth can exist safely.
And suddenly: communication becomes clearer, silence becomes peaceful instead of threatening, vulnerability becomes intimacy instead of exposure, boundaries become loving instead of distancing, commitment becomes grounding instead of confinement.
The connection doesn’t lose depth. It gains stability.
That’s the part many people misunderstand.
Healthy love is not emotionally numb love. It’s love where two people no longer weaponize fear against themselves or each other.
It’s love where: control softens into trust, hyper-independence softens into interdependence, avoidance softens into honesty, projection softens into self-awareness.
Because ultimately, evolved relationships are not built merely on chemistry.
They are built on emotional responsibility.
On the willingness to say: “This fear belongs to me.”
“This wound is mine to heal.” “I will not punish you for pain created before you existed.”
That kind of self-awareness changes everything.
And perhaps the most beautiful part of healed union is this: the relationship no longer exists to complete either person.
It exists to expand both of them.
Not through suffering. Not through emotional volatility. Not through endless tests from the universe.
But through conscious partnership.
Through choosing each other while fully remaining yourselves.
That’s real intimacy: not merging into one identity, but standing side by side without abandoning your individuality.
In unhealthy connections, intensity often creates instability. But in healed connections, intensity becomes depth.
It becomes: understanding without excessive explanation, silence that feels safe, passion without possession, freedom without emotional distance, devotion without self-erasure.
And perhaps that is the true purpose of transformational love.
Not to destroy us. Not to keep us trapped in longing forever.
But to teach us how to become emotionally honest enough to sustain the kind of love we once thought would consume us.
The irony is that people often search endlessly for “the one,” believing the magic lies entirely in finding the right person. But lasting union is rarely built by fate alone.
It is built when two people become capable of meeting love without running from themselves inside it.
That is when relationships stop feeling like emotional survival. And finally begin feeling like home.
I used to think relationships were about compatibility. Shared interests. Similar goals. Emotional stability. Ease.
Then I met someone who felt less like a relationship and more like a tectonic event.
Nothing about it made sense to my mind at first. The recognition was too immediate, not that I believed it. Too intense. Too exposing that I did not feel ready for it, and I was in fact, not. It felt like meeting someone who could see through every version of me I had carefully constructed to survive the world. Not because they were trying to, but because their presence alone made hiding impossible.
People romanticize these connections constantly online. They package them into neat spiritual labels and dramatic slogans. But living through one is much stranger than that.
The closest thing I can compare it to is being emotionally cracked open. Like life itself reached into my chest and said: “You can’t stay asleep anymore.”
And honestly, at first, I hated that.
I hated how deeply I felt everything. I hated how much it affected me. I hated how impossible it was to explain to people who viewed love as something linear and sensible.
Because this connection wasn’t linear. It was deeply spiritual in the least aesthetic way possible.
Not all “love and light.” More like: “meet your shadow, your wounds, your attachment patterns, your fear of abandonment, your fear of vulnerability, your fear of being fully seen, your controlling side.” And the countless mobility injuries as the cherries on top.
The connection became a mirror so sharp it cut through every illusion.
And yet somehow, beneath all the intensity, there was love. Real love. Not performative love. Not convenient love. Not ego validation disguised as love. Not the attached I ”I cannot live without you” love.
The kind of love that changes the architecture of your inner world.
The kind that forces you to become more honest – with yourself, without all the masks. I think that’s what surprised me most.
I didn’t just learn how to love another person. I learned how to love myself. I didn’t just get to know the other person, I got to know myself, and the more I did, the more I understood the other person, and the dynamic of life.
Not in the trendy self-care sense. I mean truly.
I learned boundaries. I learned emotional responsibility. I learned not to abandon myself while loving someone else. I learned that longing can coexist with growth. I learned that pain can become transformation instead of destruction.
I learned to trust myself, my intuition, the way my life unfolds even when it does not look like what I imagined. I learned to release control, and detach from outcomes.
Most importantly, I learned that some people enter your life not simply to stay exactly as they arrived, but to initiate you into another version of yourself.
And now I am learning to stay open to love without losing myself in it. Without running from it, without chasing it either. Being in the present.
There’s a strange grief in realizing that a relationship can be profoundly meaningful regardless of outcome. Our culture teaches us that permanence is the only proof that love mattered. I don’t believe that.
Some connections are measured by duration. Others are measured by depth.
And some people walk into your life carrying a mirror, a match, and a map back to yourself.
I used to ask: “How did this happen to me? Why him out of all people?” I used to deny “No, it can’t be him. No I do not accept any of this, this is highly irrational.” I wanted run, I wanted to forget. I wanted to make it all stop and go back to how everything was. Back to being unaware. Back to slow unconscious growth. Back to being… human in a very human way possible.
Now I ask: “Who would I be if it never had?”
And honestly? I don’t even recognize that version of myself anymore. And believe me, I grieved that version of me with sessions of ugly crying until I could not anymore. The girl I was when I first met the guy who was supposed to be just a random person. It all started then, apparently, not that I was conscious about any of this back then.
But after all of this, currently, I’m grateful. Not because of another person, but because I got to meet the real me. And finally learned to accept all my feelings, regardless of how irrational they are to my mind. I stopped resisting transformation, and the uncomfortable growing pains.
Honestly, it’s oddly peaceful not to fight myself anymore. Smiling at the reminders when I used to find them haunting.
Accepting that whatever this was changed me in the best way possible because it activated parts of me that were waiting to come alive, and the parts of me that were inauthentic to my soul, waiting to be shed like layers.
And I think that’s beautiful. Even if nobody else understands.
There came a point where I realized all the ways I had been running from love. And all the ways I had obsessed over it the second my heart opened. Either I was too detached, rational and emotionally closed off, or too attached, dreamy and completely consumed by it. There was never really a middle ground.
That’s not healthy, is it? Both extremes still signal to life that I don’t fully know how to love in a grounded, healthy way.
I’m obviously not going to receive the kind of love I dream of only to repeat the same cycles again. That chapter of my life feels closed now. We’re apparently doing everything differently this time, from scratch. Which is honestly disorienting. It feels very “The Fool” and “The Sun” with a hint of “The Star.” If you know Tarot, you know exactly what I mean.
So I started asking myself: how do we open our hearts to love without getting lost in it? How do we allow intimacy without disappearing into fantasy, over-giving, projection and the endless hopeless romantic spiral that ends up hurting more than reality itself?
I have always felt split between two versions of myself.
One is the hopeless romantic fairy with sparkly doe eyes who wants soul-level love, eternity, poetry, destiny and emotional merging.
The other is detached, hyper-rational, emotionally guarded, uncomfortable with vulnerability, needing space and solitude, trying to control emotions, situations and outcomes before they can become overwhelming.
For a long time, I thought inner union meant choosing one side or perfectly balancing the two. And in many ways, I have balanced them. But apparently, love was the final lesson.
The truth is, both sides were fear responses in different disguises. One side escaped into fantasy and emotional intensity. The other escaped into detachment and control.
And somewhere in between those extremes, I found the actual lesson:
“I can feel someone deeply without losing myself in them.”
That sentence changed everything for me.
I realized healing wasn’t about becoming less sensitive, less intuitive or less romantic. It wasn’t about killing the dreamy, spiritual, deeply feeling parts of myself. Those parts are beautiful.
The real lesson was learning to pair them with grounding.
To pair intuition with discernment. Sensitivity with boundaries. Romantic depth with self-respect. Spiritual connection with reality. An open heart with emotional regulation.
To stop confusing chaos with depth. To stop romanticizing inconsistency, ambiguity and emotional suffering as signs of “real love.”
Because real love is not losing yourself in another person. It’s being fully yourself while loving them deeply.
And honestly? It’s easier said than done. Especially when you’re naturally wired toward fantasy, longing and intensity. But I genuinely believe everything can be rewired with awareness and practice.
Maybe balance was never about becoming half-dreamer and half-logician.
Maybe it was about learning how to keep my heart open without getting lost in the process.
If we think about all the TV shows, and movies, and even children stories… there’s always some sort of drama. Action. Betrayal. Fear, scarcity. Bad people doing bad things, cruelty, gruesome violence…
What does that signal to our nervous system? Seriously.
You come home to unwind, and you watch something that’s even more stressful than anything you had been through in your entire life, and we binge watch these things. We even get trauma-bonded with shows. Like Game of Thrones, Handmaid’s Tale…
Why?
Why does our brain have the need to give itself that weird mix of brain chemicals that we don’t actually need to function as healthy, grounded adults?
There’s violence in video games. People even take a game such as the Sims and take it into a torture game where they trap their Sims and witness countless of ways for a Sim to die.
Let’s not forget for centuries before bright screens came into our homes, humans actually created all sorts of conflict, drama, violence, brawls, wars, brutal murders… the list goes on. And for what, exactly? Religion? More land? More power? What was the actual point of all the bloodshed?
Who even said power equals violence? Why was true power never about empathy, compassion, peace, and getting along with each other without needing any rules throughout our existence? Why was it never about simply co-existing in peace, understanding, and unity? Why did we ever need such divisions, and labels?
Why do we do this? Animals don’t kill for joy. They don’t torture another. They don’t simulate such scenarios. Is it because they can’t talk? That they don’t have opposable thumbs? Or simply because they are “less evolved?”
When did evolution, being intelligent start meaning we’re simply being cruel – whether in a simulation, in the movies, shows, documentaries we watch, or in walking life…
Then we get easily trauma-bonded in our relationships, in our lives, the same way we can’t stop binge watching a show that gets our nervous systems on edge.
Why is a safely regulated nervous system is such a danger to our brains? I’ll tell you why. Because it’s boring.
Regulating emotions is boring. Taking care of yourself when you can simply opt out, choose a distraction over yourself, doing energy work to raise your frequency – and then keeping it there, or even bringing it back up after it goes down because something happens in the external world, is a lot of work. And it is boring to our dopamine wired brains. It’s not even only boring, it’s difficult.
Our brains love the easy way. External validation. Chasing anything outside of ourselves to feel whole. Wanting someone to hug us to feel safe. Getting external attention. Getting approval. Our brains love copying the external world instead of diving inward to figure out who we actually are.
Humans learn through experience and observation. It’s coded in our DNA. We have evolved this way. Society tells us what’s right and what’s wrong. There are these rules the world’s built on. Then our families, schools, friends… they tell us what to do. Which path to follow. Who we are. We are born with our religion, nationality, language chosen for us. That’s something I had never understood since I was a toddler. How come the choices my parents made, in which I was never consulted simply because I didn’t even exist, dictate my life?
And when you stop to question it all, they call it a spiritual awakening. When you stop to question who you really are and why you came here in the first place… you really start standing out as it is currently not an average human feature.
It’s not a spiritual awakening. It’s the baseline. The default mode. You’re going back to the basics. They call it breaking free of the Matrix, but let’s face it, as long as we are here, breathing this air and existing in our bodies, we are not escaping the Matrix and ending up in Zion with plugs on our bodies. No. We’re simply existing as sovereign individuals that don’t need much external to feel whole.
Not very ideal for a capitalist system who built itself on control, fear, and lies, is it?
Imagine a connection that’s not just chemistry, attraction, or even love. It’s an energetic mirror that amplifies everything that is still unresolved, distorted, or rooted in programming, which also happens to amplify all the gifts you had buried deep underneath, that you forgot you had.
And honestly? Life glitches around the connection to a point where you think you have in fact gone insane. Then you realize it was only glitching because you were running from yourself again. Prolonged eye contact with them makes you remember what you had forgotten.
You meet when it’s your time to wake the hell up. You recognize them, somehow. The eyes.
However, when two people come together who are still operating from subconscious wounds, abandonment patterns, nervous system deregulation, identities built on lack, fear, or validation… this creates the push-pull, the triggers, the silence, the drama, the running, the chasing.
Because neither of them can stabilize this thing that’s affected by every little emotional, energetic, collective, and astrological shift. They can’t stabilize what they possibly don’t even know about.
When the time comes, after they’ve learned their lessons from each other… they separate. In separation, major karmic cycles are resolved. Either both, or one of them heals so deeply, wakes up to their power, understands the dynamic – which just happens to be a shortcut into understanding how life itself operates.
The connection is a crash course. It’s a shortcut. What could have taken years, or even lifetimes… happens within years. That’s why it’s so intense. That’s why nobody else understands it. It’s not logical.
The work done in separation is the work needed to get into harmonious union – with the self first. Then either with the other person, or someone completely new – that’s honestly up to life. The point is, though, whether it’s with them or with someone else, both parties can meet each other and hold themselves in it. Stay sovereign.
It requires both people to not outsource their worth from each other, to not operate from survival or emotional reactivity, to have shifted their identity out of old patterns and into their authentic self, to be able to regulate their own nervous systems without escaping themselves and without relying on each other, and to be anchored in themselves, not anything outside of them.
There’s no more chasing the other, no more running from the self. No guessing, no games. No emotional rollercoaster.
The relationship becomes something that’s not rooted in control, co-dependency, validation, emotional fix-ups… but something that’s understanding, compassionate, patient, respectful, unconditionally loving.
It doesn’t teach you how to love yourself anymore, because you love yourself. It doesn’t complete you anymore to create attachments and co-dependency, as you are already whole. It’s different from anything you had before because you are not your old self.
I had to work on myself. I had no choice. Some people consciously do the work to be in a happy, healthy, adult relationship that may last a lifetime. My path was not of conscious free will, but of my soul rebelling against me – it had enough, apparently.
There is one unavoidable step that people often don’t want to get into: celibacy, and focusing solely on yourself. Taking every bit of your energy back into your body. Learning how to have a very healthy relationship with yourself first, and that requires alone time. No distractions, no dating apps, no casual dating. Actually listening to yourself. Finding out who you really are without anyone else’s story mixing in with yours. Building the life you actually want to live.
Because for what’s aligned for you to come in, and for you to be ready when it does, you need your energy inside your body – not entangled with someone else.
You need boundaries, and you need to respect them. You need to unapologetically choose yourself, even when it appears selfish. Think of it like bootcamp. It’s a necessary phase, and once it’s completed, you can start operating from a different place, where you can both have your boundaries and still be selfless.
In the meantime, while you’re focused on yourself, you become your own happiness. You lift yourself up to elevated states of consciousness – not someone else.
Sometimes I miss the times when life felt like it was on “free mode.” At least, that’s how it felt back then. Looking back, I’m not even sure that was true. Things were just… slower. Slow enough that I didn’t notice what was really going on.
Everything felt more surface-level. Less intense. Now it’s like lesson after lesson. Every time I fall under the illusion that I can run, I get hit in the face with that fact that I’m not allowed to.
I used to think I was free to do whatever I wanted, even things that weren’t right for me. Just for the experience. For the plot. Like a clueless teenager. Turns out… not really.
What’s funny is, I see people who choose this kind of growth. They consciously decide to work on themselves, to heal spiritually, to expand their consciousness. I genuinely admire that. I didn’t choose it. It just… happened. And I was not at all prepared for what that actually meant. I wasn’t prepared for what it takes to really listen to yourself. To stop being so stubborn. To surrender over and over again.
And that kind of experience humbles you in ways you don’t expect. Things you used to enjoy just… fall away, forcefully. And something else needs that space.
Letting go isn’t easy. Not at all.
Sometimes I look at people my age and feel like I’m in a completely different phase. Like I’ve been pushed into a version of life people usually reach much later, in their late 30s/early 40s. This feels early. Rushed, even.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy for anyone. This whole process comes in waves. Some days feel lighter, some feel heavy, but overall… it’s a lot. It’s intense.
You grow. You change. And sometimes you catch yourself becoming the kind of person you once hoped you’d never be. But life apparently decided to put you in that person’s shoes more than a couple of times instead.
Ironic? Definitely. Funny? Not really.
I think the only real way through it is to stay focused on yourself. On your path, even if it looks nothing like you imagined. To learn how to show up differently. To actually live like a grounded, healthy adult.
Because doing the same things over and over again and expecting something different to happen… that’s just a loop. And no matter how familiar it feels, it keeps you stuck.
At some point, you have to break that pattern. Take the risk.
And trust where life is taking you, even if you don’t fully understand it yet.
We’ve all been there. Heartbreak. Pain. Choosing someone who didn’t choose us.
And at some point, you have to ask yourself… was I even choosing myself?
Maybe they disappeared when you needed them most. But then you look at yourself: how many times did you disappear from your own life at the slightest discomfort? Distracting yourself, overdoing things, avoiding what you felt instead of actually sitting with it?
Maybe they avoided confrontation. But how often have you avoided yourself? Really sitting down and facing your patterns, your emotions, every part of you without running?
It’s easy to blame the other person. Honestly, it’s the easiest thing to do. But that’s not where growth happens.
Growth happens when you turn inward. And yeah, it’s uncomfortable. But most real lessons are.
We love to say, “they didn’t do this, they did that…” And sure, we’re not responsible for how someone else treats us. But we are responsible for how we treat ourselves.
You can’t expect someone to choose you when you’re the one constantly abandoning yourself. When you’re inconsistent with yourself. When you’re chasing something outside of you that you’re not even giving yourself.
At some point, it clicks. You were never really chasing them. And you weren’t running from them either.
You were chasing what you thought they could give you. And running from what you needed to face within yourself.
That’s the part no one really wants to hear. Most of the time, it’s not about the other person. It’s about you. Your life will keep showing you what you need to see, one way or another.
I used to run from my emotions. I’d look for something, anything, outside of me to calm me down. To feel okay. I ignored my own needs, over and over again. And my body forced me to stop. I got injured. Again and again. Until I had no choice but to sit with myself.
That’s where things started changing. I learned how to actually feel my emotions instead of suppressing them. Not control them, but regulate them. Faced myself. My patterns. It hurt like hell. Ego was destroyed. Humbled.
And slowly, I realized something simple but uncomfortable. I already had everything I was looking for. The safety. The calm. The peace. The love. It didn’t mean I didn’t love that person.
Unconditional love, exists, and it’s simple. It’s the expectations, the control, the attachment, that’s what complicates it. That’s what turns it into something heavy.
And letting go of that? That’s not easy.
The mind wants control. It wants certainty. It wants to know how things will play out.
But life doesn’t work like that. At some point, you end up in a place where you have to surrender. Where you trust that things are working out, even when they don’t look the way you expected.
I was stubborn. Really stubborn. Impatient. Controlling. I wanted things my way, and I didn’t handle it well when they weren’t.
That version of me got humbled. Hard. Do those tendencies still show up sometimes? Of course. The difference is, they don’t run my life anymore. Now I catch myself. Sometimes immediately, sometimes a little later: but I see it. And I take a step back.
It’s a process. But the more you get to know yourself -without all the noise, without other people’s stories mixing into yours- the easier it gets.
At the end of the day, this whole “journey” people talk about? It’s really just learning how to function as a healthy, grounded human being.
Not constantly chasing. Not constantly running. Just… being whole. Feeling safe. Being present.
And weirdly enough, even the parts of me that used to feel chaotic or all over the place started settling. That surprised me the most. For a while, it felt like I was going in the opposite direction: nothing made sense, things felt messy, intense.
But in the end, it brought me here. To a version of myself that feels stable. Clear. Present. Someone who can focus on herself. Set boundaries. Speak up. Protect her energy. Enjoy life without guilt. Go after what matters to her, even if no one else understands it.
Someone who can love without losing herself.
Who’s made peace with her past. Who’s still learning, still growing, but no longer running. Looking back, yeah… I gave myself some tough lessons.
But I was never alone in it. Life met me where I was, every single time. And now? I’m just… grateful. Still learning. Still surrendering.
But trusting it all a lot more.
And if all of this means I’ve apparently turned into an “avoidant” in love? Protection. It’s not my time to be with someone else. It’s time to be with myself.
So many of us are focused on purpose, on the mission, on where we’re supposed to end up. Always chasing results, working toward something. It’s a very goal-driven way of living… very masculine coded.
But what if we tried something different?
What if we actually let ourselves enjoy being here?
We’re so used to escaping ourselves. Through distractions, through other people, through constant doing. But what if we slowed down and actually connected with ourselves? Let ourselves be seen, held, heard, accepted… by us. Just being present, without needing anything else.
How often do we really ask who we are, without anyone else’s story mixed into ours?
There’s something in us that wants to be discovered. A natural pull toward wholeness, toward understanding ourselves more deeply. And somehow, us, the creators of your own realities, always find a way to take us there, even if the path isn’t always gentle. Even if, to the conscious mind, it feels messy or painful.
That’s where those emotional breakdowns, those hard moments, come in. As uncomfortable as they are, they push us to see what we’ve been doing to ourselves… and eventually, to choose differently.
We all carry desires that make us human. Some of us feel this strong need to help, to fix, to heal, to be useful. And because of that, it can feel almost unnatural to just exist without a mission.
But what if the mission isn’t something to achieve?
What if it’s simply to enjoy being here without guilt?
We’re infinite in a very limited experience. And part of that experience is learning to accept our desires, to feel, to enjoy what being human actually offers. To accept our bodies, their limits, and still love ourselves deeply, even when we feel like we don’t fully belong anywhere.
Maybe that’s okay.
Maybe we’re not here to constantly chase something, but to create from a place of wholeness instead. To choose ourselves, to move with self-love, and to step out of the loops we’ve been stuck in: the ones that were always there to teach us something in the first place.
And once we actually learn it… we don’t have to stay in them anymore.
Sometimes I still don’t fully believe in this whole other side of life I’ve discovered… even though, deep down, I think I always knew. In some quiet way. But what I ended up experiencing went way beyond anything I could’ve imagined.
All I remember is asking, really asking, to be shown that there was more than this. I was watching The Matrix again during the first Covid lockdown, and I literally begged to be taken out of it. In my head, I thought it would happen like in the movie, a phone call, Morpheus or Trinity showing up to pull me out.
That’s not what happened.
What came instead was the beginning of a long, painful journey.
I found Kundalini Yoga through Carrie-Anne Moss, and it felt like some kind of destiny. I loved Trinity growing up. Honestly, as a straight woman, she was probably the only character I’d ever been “in love” with. I wanted to be her. So when I saw the work she was doing with her online community, it just felt… meant to be.
That year, 2021, I really started going inward.
Then I met someone, and my spiritual path took a sharp turn into Christianity. I got pulled into the structure of it. The rigidity. The right-wing mindset. The control. The whole idea of how a woman should behave: be a good wife, a good mother. I tried to fit into that. I thought I wanted it. My mom kept telling me that wasn’t my path, but I didn’t listen.
Then I met someone else. And that’s when things got… dark. Not immediately, but soon enough.
The nightmares started. Sleep paralysis, night after night. I felt tied to someone on a soul level, but our energies didn’t match at all. I just didn’t want to see it. I went even deeper into Christianity, trying to make sense of everything.
I stopped going out in the sun. I sat in the dark with no lights on. I got pale. My hair got darker. The nightmares didn’t stop. I went through moments that felt like attacks, sometimes where I genuinely didn’t want to be here anymore.
I’d escape to the mountains whenever I could. The cold air calmed me down. But at the same time, there was a part of me that just wanted to disappear completely. Buried under snow. Gone.
I loved the cold because heat made everything worse. It triggered my already overwhelmed nervous system and forced me to feel emotions I didn’t want to feel.
And then I met him.
Things didn’t magically fix, but something started shifting. I slowly – very slowly started moving away from that rigid, perfectionist mindset and started allowing myself to just be. Not fully, I still didn’t know who I was, but it was a start.
My relationship with the sun, the sea, with warmth and summer… it started healing too. I became less judgemental, less negative. A little lighter. He had this energy, like sunshine. Being around him made it hard to stay in the dark.
But I was still unhealed in a lot of ways. I wanted control. I wanted things my way. I didn’t fully understand him, and I didn’t always respect his feelings or perspective. I can admit that now, I was selfish in ways I didn’t see back then.
Before things ended, I made a New Year’s resolution. I remember thinking: I want to be sunshine. I want to flow. Be calm. Flexible. At ease. I don’t want to be rigid. I want to be free.
I had already started working on my attachment issues, but I didn’t realize how much deeper it went: how much of it was rooted in the past, in ancestral patterns, and in my ways of thinking. I noticed that every time I opened up to him about my past, something in me would heal. For that alone, I’m grateful.
When it ended, I remember saying to the universe: “if we’re meant to be, we’ll both heal in ways we didn’t think were possible. We won’t be allowed to forget each other. And our paths will cross again when we’re aligned.”
I forgot I even said that. But looking back now… I got exactly what I asked for… the healing part. Because this was nothing like I thought was possible.
After it ended, I went even deeper into myself. I took all the love I had for him and started pouring it back into me.
Then something unexpected happened and I woke up.
Out of nowhere, I started knowing things I had never known before. I began to understand what the “Matrix” actually is, not in a literal sense, but energetically, mentally. I started learning about energy, consciousness, what exists beyond what we can see.
Something inside me activated. It started clearing things out: blockages, layers. It felt like it happened in stages. First clearing, then deeper clearing, and eventually… everything opening up in a way I can’t fully explain. It felt like I was completing karmic lessons I came here to learn.
I faced my patterns, really faced them. It wasn’t pretty. It was uncomfortable as hell.
I had dreams, visions, physical sensations that made no sense to the logical mind. And through all of it, I started understanding what this journey was really about: Inner Union.
Balancing the energies within. Becoming calm. Becoming peace. Realizing that I am love, and so is everyone else. Understanding energy, frequency. Learning how to quiet my overthinking mind. Letting go of control. Surrendering to my own path instead of trying to force different outcomes with my thoughts and emotions.
My emotions became less intense. I felt more stable. More aware. I could see how my energy, my thoughts, my state, everything, was shaping my reality.
Ironically, I gained control by letting go of it.
My mind is more disciplined now. I don’t feed every thought anymore. I used to create full-on scenarios in my head like little movies with people I know. Now, when my mind starts doing that, I catch it and shift my focus.
There were moments where everything felt so heavy, like I was stuck in a fever dream I couldn’t wake up from. But each time an illusion broke, each time I let go of an expectation, I woke up a little more… until eventually, I let it all go.
The stories. The attachments. The past. The future. Parts of my identity.
Now I feel lighter. I feel like I’m flowing with myself instead of fighting myself. I dance. I sing. I do things because I want to, not for anyone else. I feel free.
There’s a balance in me now. The feminine part of me feels safe enough to open, to soften, to just be. And the masculine part of me: he’s grounded, steady, he is not running. He holds that safety so she can exist fully. And there is so much love between them.
Last night, I felt something I hadn’t felt before.
I felt safe. Completely safe. The kind of safe I used to only feel in his arms. I never thought I’d feel that on my own. But I did.
My body was calm. My nervous system relaxed. I felt at home… with myself. Just like I felt when I was around him…
And that changed everything.
Because I used to chase that feeling when I didn’t have it (aka in long distance, or more like whenever I was not around him.) I had already started giving it to myself… but reaching the stage where it felt like exactly like that feeling I was chasing… only happened recently.
That’s what made all of this worth it.
I love myself now. I make myself feel safe. Both sides of me: my masculine and feminine, feel seen, held, and at peace within me. And my inner child too, of course.
And for the first time, my feminine energy didn’t want to leave. She stayed. She felt at home here.
That’s new for me. That’s big. Because for someone like me who prefers having out of body experiences and easily access those states… staying inside my body was always… veryuncomfortable, until last night.
And this is what people mean when they talk about Inner Union.
A part of me still feels like he reflected my inner masculine back to me in physical form, or at least that’s where I started loving myself from. That’s why it felt so safe, so familiar, like home. But now that I’ve embodied that within myself… it’s like being in a deeply safe, loving relationship, just with myself.
And honestly?
That might be one of the most important things I’ve ever found, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing now that I have this.
And I’m going to enjoy being in a healthy relationship with myself. This stage of feeling safe, at home, joyful, happy and in love with myself. Because honestly? I frigging deserved this.
There came a point in my life where I finally let go. After all the purging, the emotional waves, releasing the past and everything my old selves had carried… I reached a kind of inner peace. A quiet place where I could just enjoy my own energy, without needing distractions. I started noticing when I was giving too much of myself away, and learning how to pull that energy back. Setting boundaries, not just physically, but energetically too. And honestly, that feels really good.
There’s a calmness in that space that nothing and no one else has ever been able to give me. And it made me realize how much of my life I spent searching for that feeling outside of myself, when it was always there.
Getting here wasn’t easy. I resisted it. I ran from myself. I avoided facing things… until I couldn’t anymore.
At some point, the illusions just fell apart. My heart opened, but for it to open, the pain had to move through me first. We hold onto so much in this life, without even realizing it. And the more we let go, the lighter we become.
Somewhere along the way, I met someone who really valued his peace. At the time, I couldn’t even wrap my head around that. I didn’t understand it, because I had never actually felt it myself. Now I do.
It’s kind of funny, if someone had told me two years ago that I’d be here, I wouldn’t have believed them. Not even a little. I held onto that old version of myself for so long. Letting her go was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I loved her. She felt everything so deeply. She tried to control things, yes, but she was also warm, nurturing, and full of love. Soft. A little naive, maybe, but real.
And somehow, in letting her go, I found myself again. A version of me that feels more aligned. More… true.
One thing I’ve learned is that this isn’t a straight line. You don’t just “arrive” and stay there forever. You reach a certain place, then life brings something new, and you step back a little, learn more, and grow again. It’s a cycle. Over and over, but each time with more awareness.
The quieter your mind becomes, the closer you feel to yourself. And that overthinking voice, it doesn’t need your attention all the time. Not every thought deserves your energy. You can notice it, stop the thoughts, be comfortable with the mental silence, and come back to your center. That takes practice. Discipline, even. But it changes everything.
It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
Because that’s where flow begins. When you stop trying to control everything, stop forcing outcomes, stop overthinking every possibility. When you let life move, instead of constantly trying to direct it.
Without creating alternative roads in our path with the power of our thoughts and emotions, surrender happens.
Letting go of how you think things should look. Letting go of the need to control. Coming back to yourself: your core, your truth.
And maybe the real work is learning to trust that. Trust where you are, and where you’re being led, without needing to map out every step. Trusting the path your soul chose before you came here.
Staying present. Again and again. Calm, peace, zen, being the love and light we are.
