Tag: love

  • Allergic to Consequences

    Three Negronis in, I’m blasting techno on my balance board, fully allergic to consequences, and temporarily evolving into the most unhinged version of myself to date. Snusless. Dopamine-starved. Adrenaline-deprived. I literally climbed a random parking-lot wall just to feel something. I could see the fire in my own eyes and honestly? I understood what some say about my gaze. Looking at my own eyes in the mirror gave me chills like I was looking into twin crystal balls.

    Nobody talks enough about the withdrawal symptoms of “the life as we knew it” before everything went… south. Or sideways. Or into whatever spiritual demolition site this is. Becoming emotionally numb was not on my vision board. I miss flirting. I miss fire. I miss dopamine. I miss adrenaline. I miss calculated chaos. The highs. The chase. The spark.

    I feel retired at 27. Twenty-seven. If Earth is a school and this is my one body rental, then yeah, this is inevitably YOLO, isn’t it? It’s not that deep. It’s not that serious. We’re all just running experiments in human form. Send the text. Drink the drink.

    A car almost hit me again today while skating to work. I’ve genuinely lost count how many near-death guest appearances I’ve had since moving to Milano. My entire timeline could flip in two seconds. Again. And when life is that fragile, what exactly are we pretending is so serious?

    I don’t want to feel retired at 27. I want to live. I literally have a “live life to the fullest” tattoo from when I was 16 on my rib. Yes, it’s cringe. But teenage me was onto something.

    I want to bomb downhill on bikes. Ride waves. Be a passenger princess in a speeding car or on a sports motorcycle. I want to boulder, climb peaks, dive deep, hold my breath till I feel high, swim in freezing water, skate downhill with questionable survival odds. Listen to loud music, I want to flirt like tomorrow is a suggestion. Meet people whose names I’ll forget, or remember forever.

    I want to be alive. Feel alive. Be present. Follow my heart. My gut. The madness. Wherever life leads.

    YOLO, right?

  • Mission: Inner Peace (Now With Extra Sass)

    Nothing whispers “mission accomplished” softer than uniting with your own energy after years of chasing nervous system regulation like it was a limited-edition NFT. Yeah. I said it. Me, myself, and my vibe: finally in alignment. Chill, calm, and absolutely unwilling to outsource my peace ever again.

    And then there’s my creative spark. Oh, the elusive little rascal. Vanished years ago like it was dodging taxes, only to waltz back in a few nights ago with, “Hi, remember me? Let’s doodle.” Not AI-generated, thank you very much. AI could try, but it doesn’t have my brain’s level of chaotic brilliance. My head is basically a Pinterest board for symbolic dreams, very specific snack cravings, mixing things I love (the Aare, fondue and the animals at Dählhölzli) into an artwork. Think an alternate universe Bern where the Aare is flowing fondue, the herbivorous zoo animals have turned into cheese eaters, and they’re having a “fondueschwumm” meanwhile the carnivorous ones are BBQing at Eichholz. Don’t worry they bought the meats from supermarkets, no zoo animals were harmed making these illustrations. Yay my child level absurd creativity is back. 

    So there I am, cozy-ass apartment, candles flickering like tiny, passive-aggressive cheerleaders, fake sunlight doing its best impression of a tropical vacation, playful music playing like it has insider knowledge of my mood swings. I’m drawing. Then I’m sawing wood. Sanding it. Smelling the nostalgia of sawdust from childhood… it’s literally the adult version of playing with Lego, but with a hint of meditative stillness. Maybe I inherited some of my dad’s craftsmanship genes, maybe I’m just happy to have something that doesn’t require Wi-Fi.

    Oh, and yes, I’m on a social-media hiatus. Hermit mode: activated. I posted my illustrations in my stories, called my mom (hi, mom!), that’s it. No notifications. No external stimulation. Just me, my thoughts, and the occasional existential chuckle.

    Because sometimes, hermit mode isn’t “antisocial,” it’s the height of self-love. It’s a soft rebellion against chaos: “I’m too peaceful to scroll. I will eat the Rösti and let my tastebuds dance. I will sip my tea. I will spend time with my plants.”

    In the quietest, softest way, life throws random surges of happiness at me as well. Love. Gratitude. Little nudges that feel like someone sprinkled edible glitter on my aura. It feels… yummy. Like, I-can’t-believe-this-is-real-but-it-is yummy.

    And the icing on the cake? My inner runner and inner chaser finally RSVPed “yes” to the self-love party. No drama, no chasing, no fleeing. The party has one strict dress code: heart-centered vibes only. And the DJ? Yours truly, spinning only tracks approved by my nervous system.

    So here I am. Peaceful, calm, armed with my art, my sawdust, my emergency fondue and chocolate stashes, and a renewed appreciation for the absurdity of being human. No Bern. No cosmic outsourcing. Just me. My vibes. My energy.

    And truly? I’ve entered my “I lived, I healed, and I’m kinda hot about it” era. I’m living proof you can survive full‑body ego extractions, spiritual plot twists that make telenovelas look subtle, dark nights, emotional detoxes, cosmic curveballs, karmic escape rooms, entanglements so confusing they deserved subtitles, identity deaths, resurrection arcs, and whatever the hell you call “healing while inhaling sawdust.”

    And somehow? I came out of it with good skin, working chakras, and a nervous system that no longer files HR complaints about my lifestyle.

    So no, I wasn’t supposed to be a monk. Or the next Buddha!? I’m still me, just healed and regulated. Plus balanced, finally. I’ve been craving balance more than some Libras I know. 

    But here’s the humbling part: I’m fully aware life might drag me into another dark night if there’s more junk to peel off. And that’s fine (optionally I can really live without one.) But right now? I’m enjoying the absolute hell out of this peace.

    Because me (and the pillows that have absorbed several liters of my emotional hydration), we earned this era.

    And I’m unapologetically YAYing to that.

  • Mercury Lemonade (served chilled, with extra chaos)

    November rolled in and, surprise surprise, five planets decided to moonwalk backwards. Mercury included. Because apparently the universe looked at our lives and said, “You know what this needs? A little confusion and emotional déjà vu.”

    I’ve been feeling it since the shadow period, which, by the way, is just cosmic slang for “the pre-party to the main mess.”

    Here’s what Mercury Retrograde really does: It opens the group chat of your past. You’ll get emotional notifications you didn’t subscribe to “Remember this feeling?” “Miss this person?” “Regret that text?” like it’s customer service from your unresolved emotions.

    If you haven’t closed a loop peacefully, Mercury will kindly reopen it like a wound with a Wi-Fi connection. Suddenly, it’s 2024 again, and you’re emotionally reliving scenes you thought were deleted footage.

    But here’s the twist: this isn’t punishment. It’s emotional composting. You’re not backsliding, you’re recycling. You’re being given a cosmic second chance to feel what you couldn’t feel then, and release it this time, for real.

    Eventually, those old memories will lose their emotional charge. They’ll just be… stories. No longer triggers. More like, “Ah yes, that was my character development era.”

    Personally, my retrograde rerun seems to be October–December 2024. Of course it is. The season of my life I still haven’t fully made peace with. I keep thinking, “Ah, I’m healed now.” Then life or some planet say, “Cute. Let’s test that.”

    So here I am again, remixing anger into clarity, chaos into closure. This is my Mercury Lemonade. Sour, slightly bitter, but surprisingly refreshing once you stop resisting the taste.

    So if you’re feeling it too: the emotional flashbacks, the random longing, the texting temptations to get closure from a ghost who didn’t take any accountability: take a deep breath. This isn’t regression. It’s integration. And if you’re feeling angry at yourself for bending over backwards for someone who didn’t deserve it, work on your boundaries, and give yourself that love. Multiply that love, and give it to yourself. Because you deserve it. 

    We’re just learning to sip the lessons life squeezed out of us. 

    Make your home cosier. Reorganize your kitchen. Give yourself a facial. Connect to nature. Go to the sauna. Jump in snow if cold’s your thing. Light your candles, turn on your cosy galaxy lights, play your favorite songs. We’ve got this. 

    Now go feel your feelings. Mercury insists.

  • Snacks

    I remember going to a supermarket with an ex, buying snacks, and doing what any sane human being would do, wanting to have a snack on the way back. I opened it, and he looked at me like I had just committed a crime. “Can’t you just wait until we’re back?” he said, in full snack-police mode. That killed the vibe. The mood. The entire snack timeline.

    Then later, with another guy, after I’d retired from mid-commute snacking due to previous trauma, he surprised me. He bought snacks for the way back. My inner child practically jumped up and down in joy inside my heart. “Finally, someone who gets it!”

    When I was little, around five, I convinced my parents to let me go to the supermarket alone because apparently I was already a fiercely independent grocery enthusiast. I bought myself a snack, sat at the park, and ate it before going home. Meanwhile, my parents were in full panic mode, convinced I’d been kidnapped. When they found me, just chilling, I said, “I got myself a snack for the way back.” They were speechless. I was snack-satisfied.

    I think that’s the thing about connection. The more someone brings out your inner child, the happier you are. Science even says we’re more likely to fall in love with people who remind us of our childhood. I lived that. He had my favorite childhood tea at his place, completely by coincidence. Then, as we hung out more, I kept rediscovering snacks from my childhood in a totally different country. Coincidence? Maybe. Magic? Absolutely. Drinking milk with milk chocolate? Love it. Late night candy? Yes please. My inner child was thriving. She finally felt safe. Seen. Snack-approved.

    Since I was a kid, I always wanted someone in my life I could bring shells to. He was that. I’d spend hours at the beach finding the most perfect ones to bring back. He’d put them around his apartment, and that, even if it sounds small, was a dream come true. He was the guy who made so many of my childhood and adult dreams come true. Not all, but most.

    It didn’t last, of course, but that’s beside the point. If there’s anything I miss from that connection, is how my inner child felt around him. Safe, happy and healed. 

    Now, I surround myself with people who bring that version of me out. The one who laughs with her whole heart. The one who gets overexcited about gummy bears. The one who loves animals, and shares food without being asked. When my inner child comes online instead of hiding in her room, I know I’m around the right people. It is not the same, but it doesn’t have to be.

    So yeah, snacks and candy, apparently, are my love language. If you ever want to win my heart? Don’t wait till we’re home. Just open the damn bag.

  • The Art of Being Grounded

    Today, I accidentally grounded myself. Not in a “spiritual practice” kind of way, more in a “bureaucracy dragged me to Switzerland and I ended up on a random walk by the Rhône” kind of way.

    Normally, I’d call that walk “too flat, too boring.” I’m a mountain girl. I crave altitude, challenge, sweat, existential breakthroughs at 2,000 meters. But my body, still in recovery, had other plans. Apparently, she wanted flat. Gentle. Ordinary and yet with hidden beauty everywhere.

    And somehow… it was perfect.

    I passed quiet valley towns, waved at black nose sheep, spotted horses, crows, a shy eurasian jay, the all black crows I love so much, cure sparrows… Basically, a Disney line-up for introverts. The sun hid behind the mountains, the air bit just enough to remind me it’s November. I photographed the first frost of the season like it was a celebrity sighting. 

    And for once since my August Bern trip which I spent 9 days in a constant state of bliss thanks to the Aare; I wasn’t thinking again. Not about what’s next. Not about the past. Not about anything, just the occasional Swiss German grammar questions I came up with. And my new favorite song, Grüens Liecht playing in my mind on repeat. My mind was… empty. And it felt peaceful. Blissful. 

    Afterward, I did what any enlightened woman would do: blew too much money at Migros and Coop. My fridge always looks like a Swiss grocery aisle – chocolate, cheese, butter, salad dressing, zopf… I even bring pasta back to Italy. If Italians find out, it won’t be good for me. In my defense I buy it for the shape. They don’t have “hörnli” and I love that shape of pasta because it reminds me of my childhood. My taste buds definitely don’t care about geography. They like what they like. 

    Then, like the universe wanted to wink at me, I stumbled into Fasnachtseröffnung. The costumes, the brass, the wild joy of it all. I’d been thinking about 11.11 11:11 for a week, and suddenly there it was, three days early. Unexpected, and definitely brought a smile.

    My old self would’ve hopped on the next train to Bern, chasing the gravitational pull I always feel towards that city, my personal north star. But instead, I stayed grounded. I stayed here. And maybe that’s growth: realizing you don’t need to orbit the brightest star in your universe to feel illuminated.

    Today reminded me when you’re whole, when you’re present, the coordinates don’t matter. Peace travels with you. 

  • The Cloud

    I like to imagine the subconscious as an infinite cloud floating somewhere above us. Not grey and stormy, but pastel pink, soft blue, brushed with new leafy greens, flashes of purple and bright pink, orange glimmers, dusted in gold all drifting across a deep purple infinity that stretches forever. The cloud feels light, ethereal, alive. Like thought itself breathing in color. Stars flickering through it like neurons firing in slow motion. And inside that infinite shimmer, we’re all connected.

    It’s somewhere between a nebula and lucid dreaming. Weightless, infinite, but alive. 

    Loved ones. Strangers. Ancestors. Everyone who’s ever lived, and everyone who hasn’t yet in linear time. All just vibing in the same frequency field.

    Maybe that’s why love feels like the strongest force we know. Because love is the WiFi password. It opens the door. It lifts us to that cloud, where we remember what we had forgotten. 

    Maybe that’s how we visit each other in dreams. How the ones who’ve left can still find us. How we meet the pure version of ourselves before the the matrix conditioned us which shaped our egos.

    Somewhere in that cloud lives what spiritual folk call our “higher self.” The one untouched by fear. The one who doesn’t flinch, perform, mask, or shrink. The one who remembers who we were before the world told us otherwise.

    Every time we quiet the noise: the scroll, the hustle, the “shoulds,” we connect to that cloud, our subconscious. The static clears and the signal strengthens. And we start aligning with who we’ve been all along.

    Maybe that’s the real purpose of all this. Not chasing meaning, but remembering it. Not escaping the world, but syncing with the part of us that never left the cloud.

    Maybe, just maybe, that’s been the entire point of existence the whole time. Remembrance. 

  • Ice Walls

    My relationship with the cold began after I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually destroyed. I couldn’t even stand the heat, my chest would tighten, my breath would catch, and the sun felt like an interrogation lamp I never agreed to sit under. I hated the sun because it was warm and bright and cheerful, three things I was not. I even avoided the sea, the same sea I grew up with, because water was too emotional. Too much flow. I needed the mountains instead. The heights, the rigidity, the stillness, the cold air, the quiet blanket of snow. 

    I became cold-resistant out of sheer survival. I learned to control my muscles, to reverse the involuntary flexing that comes with feeling cold. When you relax your muscles in the cold, you stop feeling it. Wild, I know. That little trick trained me to control my emotions too, especially the negative ones. I built walls. My heart became an ice fortress. Elsa would’ve been impressed. 

    Then he came along. (There’s always a he, isn’t there?) I remember the exact night my walls melted in front of him. With him, I started enjoying the sun again. I found peace near water again, like I used to. I remember floating, laughing, breathing. I was healing. I even lost my cold resistance, which at the time I blamed on his overheated apartment; meanwhile, mine was hanging out somewhere between 13 to 16 degrees like a polite fridge. Now I know it wasn’t his radiator. It was my nervous system feeling safe. Warm. Nurtured. 

    It didn’t last, of course. I’m cold-resistant again. But this time, I don’t hate the warmth. I can enjoy both the sun and the snow, the flow and the stillness. My apartment’s still cold, but I’ve got blankets. Layers. Tea. Balance. Orange and blue. The Moon and the Sun. The Feminine and the Masculine. Shadow and Light. Harmony.

    My walls are still down, but don’t get me wrong, the boundaries are very much installed. I learned them the hard way. I broke every rule I had for a person, stretched my limits into a yoga pose that didn’t exist. And that taught me everything I needed to know about myself. 

    So even if my ego still throws shade at him and says, “no forgiveness, not today,” my soul knows better. It sees the whole thing as growth. As healing. As my love finding its way back to me, even if it took the scenic route through chaos. 

    Someone once told me I needed to get hurt to learn. At the time, I thought, “that’s a terrible teaching method.” But they were right. Pain really is the ultimate life coach. And the sooner we accept that, the sooner we get to ride the waves of life instead of fighting them.

    Some waves crash you down, some you ride like a pro, but either way, the ocean always teaches you something. That’s probably why I want to surf so badly. My emotional body has been riding waves its whole life; it’s only fair my physical body gets to join the party, so I can master the act of Surrender in real time. 

    So maybe, just maybe, the point isn’t to stay warm or cold. Maybe it’s to live in that perfect middle ground; balance, harmony, integration. Learning to dance between shadow and light, and realizing you’re both the wave and the one riding it. 

  • Living From the Heart: The Real Kind

    I have been given several blueprints and templates on my journey. The concept is always the same: live from the heart. 

    I used to think “living from the heart” meant being endlessly soft. Always forgiving. Always open. Always the one who loves a little harder, gives a little more, stays a little longer.

    Spoiler: that wasn’t living from the heart. That was living from fear, fear of losing love if I didn’t overextend myself.

    Real heart energy is quieter. Cleaner. It’s not about chasing connection, it’s about being it.

    Living from the heart isn’t romantic or poetic all the time. It’s gritty. It’s saying, “I love you, but I won’t lose myself again to prove it.”

    It’s realizing that boundaries are sacred. That sometimes the most loving thing you can do is walk away. That being at peace doesn’t mean being passive, it means being rooted in your own truth.

    Here’s what living from the heart actually looks like:

    You give because it feels aligned, not because you want to be chosen. You listen deeply, not to reply, but to understand. You forgive because it frees you, not because someone earned it. You stop performing your softness for people who only understand power.

    You start realizing that the real power is softness, when it’s conscious.

    Living from the heart means your inner masculine protects your peace, while your inner feminine keeps your heart open. You stop waiting for others to balance you, because that balance is already built inside you.

    And by spending time in a city I love the most, one that amplifies everything inside me, I can recognize the “flow state.” The inner peace. What being in alignment feels like. What inner union feels like. I don’t have to do anything when I’m there: I set foot at the bahnhof, and my energy body starts opening. My energy rises. I feel safe. I feel home.

    Leaving that city is a different story. I feel the crushing ache of being separated from a part of myself. I feel whole when I’m there: like all of me is finally in the same place at the same time. But I only go when I’m called. The distance teaches me detachment. That I can be “whole” without a person or a place completing me.

    And that’s the secret no one tells you: When you’re truly in your heart, you don’t fall in love, you rise in it.

    Living from the heart isn’t butterflies. It’s balance. It’s choosing love without losing discernment. It’s being gentle without being blind. It’s standing in your truth and letting it be enough.

    Maybe “living from the heart” doesn’t mean giving yourself away. Maybe it means finally coming home to yourself, fully, honestly, and without apology.

  • The Intuitive Person’s Survival Manual (A.K.A. How to Decode Signs Without Losing Your Mind)

    If you’re anything like me, someone who receives divine communication through signs, dreams, songs, repeating numbers, random strangers that look like your ex, and the occasional billboard that seems way too specific, then this is your manual. You know, for when your brain is trying to figure out whether that butterfly was your spirit guide, or just a butterfly.

    Here’s the deal. When something truly is a sign, you don’t question it. You just know. It lands with that internal ding! The one that makes you go, “Yep, that was for me.” But when you see something that grabs your attention and your brain goes into a full decoding spiral like, “Okay, but does this mean something!?” It’s not a sign. That’s your ego trying to play scavenger hunt with the universe.

    Premonitions, on the other hand, hit different. They come with a knowing that’s so obvious it’s borderline annoying. You don’t have to decode it, you just understand. You could be half-asleep, half-delirious, and still know what it means. Cleary. 

    Now, dreams are a special case. Some are cinematic masterpieces filled with hidden symbolism and emotional trauma disguised as plot twists. Others are just… weird. (Like that one where you’re eating spaghetti on the moon, no, that one’s not prophetic, that’s just your subconscious being weird again.) But even then, deep down, you know which dreams matter and which ones are just your brain cleaning up emotional clutter.

    The point is: if you find yourself confused and the message isn’t clear, move on. Don’t make a PowerPoint presentation out of it. Don’t Google “meaning of blue feather and broken shoelace together.” If it’s not landing with clarity, it’s not a message. The ones that matter always come with a clear mental download, like a spiritual push notification that just pops into your awareness. Every single time that’s happened to me, it matched reality. The vague ones? Never did. Not once.

    Sometimes the messages are tiny and seemingly irrelevant, like getting a song that randomly plays and later turns out to have predicted your next chapter. Sometimes they’re huge and life-changing. We don’t get to pick what we receive. Apparently, the universe is the one running the group chat. We just have to figure out what’s worth replying to.

    In my experience, the “smaller” signs often mirror the energy of the bigger ones that haven’t yet manifested. Think of them as sneak previews, or cosmic teaser trailers. Some dreams I’ve relived months later, sometimes five, six, even seven months after. Once, I was a year and a half early. I’d love to say that means I’m ahead of my time, but it’s really just the universe running on its own Netflix release schedule.

    Here’s what I’ve learned: when you do get guidance, just take the hint and do what’s needed. Don’t try to rewrite the ending. I’ve tried. Didn’t work. The outcome always came, just… delayed sometimes. Which, yes, makes me deeply question free will. Like, if I can’t change the ending, why am I even getting the spoilers?

    Maybe it’s less about control, and more about preparation. The universe doesn’t send signs so you can fix the future, it sends them so you can understand it when it happens.

    So, dear intuitive human, the next time you catch yourself overanalyzing the alignment of your morning playlist, take a breath. Not every cloud formation is a cosmic code. Some are just clouds.

    And maybe that’s the real wisdom here: If you have to ask whether it’s a sign, it probably isn’t. If you just know, it probably is. And if you’re still unsure, maybe just get a snack and let the universe text you back later.

  • The “I Love You”

    Lately I’ve been digging. Digging deep, not in the romantic sense, but in the “why can’t I say I love you without sounding like I’m confessing to a crime?” kind of way. I realized that I can’t say it out loud. Not to my parents, not to my friends, not even to my plants. Apparently, I can whisper it to a city, but even then it’s in this weird, baby-talk tone like, “oh I wuv you.” Which is… not the same thing.

    I’ve tried practicing it in the mirror. “I love you.” Nope. My throat tightens. My face does this awkward twitch thing. It’s like my vocal cords are on strike.

    I started to wonder, how many times have I heard that phrase growing up? Not that my parents or grandparents didn’t love each other. They did. They just expressed it in ways that didn’t require actual words. Like, “Here, I cut you some fruit.” Or, “You’re getting pale, eat more iron.” Apparently, our family tree has a generational allergy to saying “I love you.” Maybe it’s cultural. Maybe it’s trauma. Or maybe we just prefer our love medium-rare, served through acts of service, not syllables.

    That tracks for me, though. Acts of service? My main love language. I show love by doing things. Cooking for someone. Listening to their existential crisis without checking my phone. Helping them pick an outfit that doesn’t scream midlife panic at 25. But sometimes that turns into overgiving, which I’m… still unlearning. Learning to say no without feeling like I’ve committed a felony. Learning to ask, “Can we meet at 6:30 instead of 7?” instead of martyring myself at a bar for half an hour writing blog drafts like this one.

    Words of affirmation, though? That’s where things get tricky. I see people throw “I love you” around like confetti. Girls saying it to someone they met ten minutes ago: “I love your energy.” And I’m like: wow, that’s a bold move. I admire it, but I also needed a nine-month period before my “I love you”s left the mouth to the person I loved with all the cells in my body. No offence girl, but I think I need to complete my 3 years of getting to know you period before I get to say “I love you.” 

    But maybe, just maybe, the real work isn’t about blurting it out. Maybe it’s about making peace with the feeling behind it. Letting love exist in whatever form it wants to, whether it’s a whispered “I love this city,” a packed lunch for someone you care about, or a silent I love you said internally because your voice still cracks when you try.

    Because love isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s shy. Sometimes it’s clumsy. And sometimes it just needs a little practice before it comes out naturally, without the baby voice. And sometimes the people who don’t blurt it out, may be loving you the deepest, quietly.