Sometimes I still don’t fully believe in this whole other side of life I’ve discovered… even though, deep down, I think I always knew. In some quiet way. But what I ended up experiencing went way beyond anything I could’ve imagined.
All I remember is asking, really asking, to be shown that there was more than this. I was watching The Matrix again during the first Covid lockdown, and I literally begged to be taken out of it. In my head, I thought it would happen like in the movie, a phone call, Morpheus or Trinity showing up to pull me out.
That’s not what happened.
What came instead was the beginning of a long, painful journey.
I found Kundalini Yoga through Carrie-Anne Moss, and it felt like some kind of destiny. I loved Trinity growing up. Honestly, as a straight woman, she was probably the only character I’d ever been “in love” with. I wanted to be her. So when I saw the work she was doing with her online community, it just felt… meant to be.
That year, 2021, I really started going inward.
Then I met someone, and my spiritual path took a sharp turn into Christianity. I got pulled into the structure of it. The rigidity. The right-wing mindset. The control. The whole idea of how a woman should behave: be a good wife, a good mother. I tried to fit into that. I thought I wanted it. My mom kept telling me that wasn’t my path, but I didn’t listen.
Then I met someone else. And that’s when things got… dark. Not immediately, but soon enough.
The nightmares started. Sleep paralysis, night after night. I felt tied to someone on a soul level, but our energies didn’t match at all. I just didn’t want to see it. I went even deeper into Christianity, trying to make sense of everything.
I stopped going out in the sun. I sat in the dark with no lights on. I got pale. My hair got darker. The nightmares didn’t stop. I went through moments that felt like attacks, sometimes where I genuinely didn’t want to be here anymore.
I’d escape to the mountains whenever I could. The cold air calmed me down. But at the same time, there was a part of me that just wanted to disappear completely. Buried under snow. Gone.
I loved the cold because heat made everything worse. It triggered my already overwhelmed nervous system and forced me to feel emotions I didn’t want to feel.
And then I met him.
Things didn’t magically fix, but something started shifting. I slowly – very slowly started moving away from that rigid, perfectionist mindset and started allowing myself to just be. Not fully, I still didn’t know who I was, but it was a start.
My relationship with the sun, the sea, with warmth and summer… it started healing too. I became less judgemental, less negative. A little lighter. He had this energy, like sunshine. Being around him made it hard to stay in the dark.
But I was still unhealed in a lot of ways. I wanted control. I wanted things my way. I didn’t fully understand him, and I didn’t always respect his feelings or perspective. I can admit that now, I was selfish in ways I didn’t see back then.
Before things ended, I made a New Year’s resolution. I remember thinking: I want to be sunshine. I want to flow. Be calm. Flexible. At ease. I don’t want to be rigid. I want to be free.
I had already started working on my attachment issues, but I didn’t realize how much deeper it went: how much of it was rooted in the past, in ancestral patterns, and in my ways of thinking. I noticed that every time I opened up to him about my past, something in me would heal. For that alone, I’m grateful.
When it ended, I remember saying to the universe: “if we’re meant to be, we’ll both heal in ways we didn’t think were possible. We won’t be allowed to forget each other. And our paths will cross again when we’re aligned.”
I forgot I even said that. But looking back now… I got exactly what I asked for… the healing part. Because this was nothing like I thought was possible.
After it ended, I went even deeper into myself. I took all the love I had for him and started pouring it back into me.
Then something unexpected happened and I woke up.
Out of nowhere, I started knowing things I had never known before. I began to understand what the “Matrix” actually is, not in a literal sense, but energetically, mentally. I started learning about energy, consciousness, what exists beyond what we can see.
Something inside me activated. It started clearing things out: blockages, layers. It felt like it happened in stages. First clearing, then deeper clearing, and eventually… everything opening up in a way I can’t fully explain. It felt like I was completing karmic lessons I came here to learn.
I faced my patterns, really faced them. It wasn’t pretty. It was uncomfortable as hell.
I had dreams, visions, physical sensations that made no sense to the logical mind. And through all of it, I started understanding what this journey was really about: Inner Union.
Balancing the energies within. Becoming calm. Becoming peace. Realizing that I am love, and so is everyone else. Understanding energy, frequency. Learning how to quiet my overthinking mind. Letting go of control. Surrendering to my own path instead of trying to force different outcomes with my thoughts and emotions.
My emotions became less intense. I felt more stable. More aware. I could see how my energy, my thoughts, my state, everything, was shaping my reality.
Ironically, I gained control by letting go of it.
My mind is more disciplined now. I don’t feed every thought anymore. I used to create full-on scenarios in my head like little movies with people I know. Now, when my mind starts doing that, I catch it and shift my focus.
There were moments where everything felt so heavy, like I was stuck in a fever dream I couldn’t wake up from. But each time an illusion broke, each time I let go of an expectation, I woke up a little more… until eventually, I let it all go.
The stories. The attachments. The past. The future. Parts of my identity.
Now I feel lighter. I feel like I’m flowing with myself instead of fighting myself. I dance. I sing. I do things because I want to, not for anyone else. I feel free.
There’s a balance in me now. The feminine part of me feels safe enough to open, to soften, to just be. And the masculine part of me: he’s grounded, steady, he is not running. He holds that safety so she can exist fully. And there is so much love between them.
Last night, I felt something I hadn’t felt before.
I felt safe. Completely safe. The kind of safe I used to only feel in his arms. I never thought I’d feel that on my own. But I did.
My body was calm. My nervous system relaxed. I felt at home… with myself. Just like I felt when I was around him…
And that changed everything.
Because I used to chase that feeling when I didn’t have it (aka in long distance, or more like whenever I was not around him.) I had already started giving it to myself… but reaching the stage where it felt like exactly like that feeling I was chasing… only happened recently.
That’s what made all of this worth it.
I love myself now. I make myself feel safe. Both sides of me: my masculine and feminine, feel seen, held, and at peace within me. And my inner child too, of course.
And for the first time, my feminine energy didn’t want to leave. She stayed. She felt at home here.
That’s new for me. That’s big. Because for someone like me who prefers having out of body experiences and easily access those states… staying inside my body was always… very uncomfortable, until last night.
And this is what people mean when they talk about Inner Union.
A part of me still feels like he reflected my inner masculine back to me in physical form, or at least that’s where I started loving myself from. That’s why it felt so safe, so familiar, like home. But now that I’ve embodied that within myself… it’s like being in a deeply safe, loving relationship, just with myself.
And honestly?
That might be one of the most important things I’ve ever found, and I wouldn’t have changed a thing now that I have this.
And I’m going to enjoy being in a healthy relationship with myself. This stage of feeling safe, at home, joyful, happy and in love with myself. Because honestly? I frigging deserved this.
Good Feelings Club 