Category: Personal

  • Vision Board (or: How the Universe Reads Fine Print)

    Last year, I made a vision board. You know, one of those very intentional, aesthetically curated collages where you casually tell the universe, “No pressure, but this please.” It was stacked: alpine scenery, river swims, Bern, mindful girl energy, techno nights, outdoorsy hobbies, sunshine, maybe even a puppy. Very balanced. Very “I have my life together” coded.

    I didn’t actually hang it on the wall though. Not because I didn’t believe in it, more because I didn’t feel like explaining my long-term soul vision to short-term situations. Which, in hindsight, was already a clue. And frankly, none of those situations lasted long enough to earn a tour of my inner world anyway back in the day when I still gave dating in Italy a shot. It was pointless when the type of guy I know I want belongs to a whole other geography, and linguistic background. 

    Here’s the plot twist: almost everything on that board happened. Plus some surprises that were aligned with what was on the board. Even the puppy my parents ended up adopting because she accidentally ended up on their doorstep turned out to be black and white instead of black and brown, but we have a new puppy. Not magically overnight, not in a neat linear order, but unmistakably so. Except for one thing. The career part. That one sat there looking… vague. Half-hearted. Like a placeholder slide in a presentation you swear you’ll fix later.

    Because while I apparently know exactly what I want in love, lifestyle, geography, energy, rhythm, scenery, temperature, and background soundtrack… But career-wise? Big blinking question mark. Creative fog. “We’ll circle back.

    Which got me thinking: maybe vision boards aren’t magic wish lists. Maybe they’re mirrors. They don’t create clarity, they respond to it.

    When you’re clear, life moves. When you’re vague, life shrugs and says, “Cool, I’ll improvise, and show you what you want.”

    We don’t attract opportunities by being perfect. We attract them by being honest about what we want. And when we don’t know yet, choosing to figure it out might actually be the first real decision. That choice alone seems to flip a switch. Suddenly paths appear. Detours make sense. Timing reveals itself retroactively.

    The irony? The board was never the point. Clarity was. Alignment was. Frequency was.

    I wasn’t attracting aligned opportunities in areas where I was undecided, and that wasn’t punishment, it was feedback.

    So maybe the real takeaway isn’t “make a better vision board,” but “get clearer with yourself.” And if you’re not there yet, at least be clear about wanting clarity. This little game called life seems to respect that.

    As for the rest? It tends to work itself out. Just not always in the font you expected.

    And honestly, where would the fun be if it did? 

  • (Almost) White Christmas

    Yesterday, the air smelled like snow. You know that smell, the kind that sneaks up on you, taps you on the shoulder, and whispers, “Put your expectations down, but trust me anyway.” I didn’t get my hopes up. I never do. I just knew. And sure enough, it snowed. The first snow of the season here.

    Apparently, I don’t just travel with actual baggage; I bring weather systems. Missed the November snow in Bern, caught it back home in Bulgaria. Timing has never been my strongest skill, but when it hits, it hits.

    I’m reunited with my parents and our dogs for Christmas and New Year’s, sitting in my parents’ new handmade sunroom while snow falls politely outside. Courtesy of my father, who can build actual structures with his hands. Which explains… A lot. Apparently this is why I have a soft spot for men who can build things. Especially out of wood. Especially if they don’t need an instruction manual. I, too, have woodworking plans. Turns out it’s genetic. The blueprint was there all along.

    Now, let’s be honest. I’d choose Alpine cold over this humid, windy chaos any day. This is the kind of cold that seeps into your bones uninvited. And yet, yes, I’m still considering a swim in the Black Sea, despite it feeling like minus seven degrees outside. Limits? Never met her. My idea of fun doesn’t need refinement, just a matching level of insanity and other humans who hear “freezing water” and think, “Perfect.” Especially if that’s a mutually agreed first-date plan. 

    After Christmas dinner, and an ambitious amount of mulled wine at apéro, I slept for twelve uninterrupted hours. Twelve. A coma, really. A well-earned one after a week of sleep deprivation and questionable decisions.

    And then… the dreams.

    Three different men starred in them. One by one. Like a rotating cast. I feel dirty, in the best possible way. Real me is on a wholesome family holiday. Dream me, however, had a packed social calendar, dream dates. One was the regular. The recurring character. Always there, stopped complaining about it, there is no point. This time particularly committed to reminding me what I was allegedly missing out on. The other two were new. And new is always delightful. I was eventually pulled back to reality by our puppy launching himself into bed like a furry alarm clock with zero respect for narrative closure. 

    And somewhere between the snow, the wine, the dreams, and the dog hair, it hit me how far I’ve come since September. Back then, I was still mad at him. Actively. Professionally. Now? Life is too good to bother. Plus, I closed the loop. Finally. Turns out some things don’t need force, just timing. And a little snowfall for dramatic effect.

    I’m out. I’m free. Free to live and enjoy the absolute crap out of myself, like a graduate freshly released into the world, slightly unhinged, deeply grateful, and fully convinced that the best part might still be ahead.

    And honestly? I’ll take that kind of white Christmas any year. Light and fluffy. Good vibes, BBQ meats with a side of potato salad with homemade French Dressing. 

  • The Art of Letting Yourself Go

    Life is too short to care about what other people think of you. I know, because I used to care professionally. Olympic-level caring. I was uptight, perfectionist, deeply allergic to rejection. I curated myself like a museum exhibit: composed, appropriate, quietly impressive. No sudden movements. No visible weirdness. God forbid anyone realized I was… different.

    Then something snapped. Or softened. Or maybe I just got tired.

    Now I smile at strangers in the street. (Yes, this works in Bern. No, do not try this in Milano unless you want to be emotionally audited.) I carry walnuts in my pockets to feed crows and pigeons like some sort of forest witch on an urban commute. I headbang back at a random guy blasting metal at a red light because obviously that was a moment of mutual understanding. I pick up pine tree branches I find on the sidewalk like they’re treasure. I compliment people just because. No agenda. No flirting. No follow-up questionnaire.

    Living in Italy (especially Milano) kind of scrambled my internal GPS. Everything felt loud, performative, sharp-edged. Bern quietly rebooted me to factory settings. Friendly faces. Soft interactions. Compliments that don’t automatically translate to “so when are we sleeping together?” A city that understands the delicate art of balance: nature, people, and chill coexisting without trying too hard.

    And here’s the thing: life is way too short to micromanage how you’re perceived. Whether people “get” you or not. Be honest: do you fully understand yourself every day? Exactly. So why outsource your self-worth?

    It doesn’t matter if someone thinks you’re weird. It doesn’t matter if you make grammar mistakes, mispronounce words in languages that aren’t your own, or occasionally butcher your own language. Nobody is keeping score. Life is not that serious. We’re all enrolled in the same school, taking wildly different courses, on wildly different schedules. Sometimes we share a class. Sometimes we sit next to each other for a while. Why not enjoy recess like we’re still in high school: laughing too loud, being a little ridiculous, not taking ourselves so damn seriously?

    We don’t know how much time we have. Life can change in a split second. One wave, one wrong turn, one unexpected moment. So enjoy it. Even when the waves slam you. Even when your board snaps in half. You crawl back to shore, get a new one, and paddle out again.

    Life is breezy. Life is peachy. Life is actually pretty great. Especially when you stop overthinking it and start living like you’re allowed to exist exactly as you are. 

  • More Than a Place 

    I’m stargazing in Bern. On a clear night. The moon is nowhere to be found, and the Vegas-level light pollution from the Sternenmarkt isn’t enough to block the stars (fortunately). The sky is clear. I have an Aare Bier in one hand and then a Müntschi in the other. I’m standing on the terrace I dreamt about back in May. Yes, dreams do come true. Shooting stars and wishes. Life is good.

    On the walk back, I listen to “Weisch Du no?” on repeat, drifting through streets that feel like home, but technically aren’t. Not yet. Still, my eyes are sparkling in that unmistakable way that only happens when you’re in love. And yes, I’m fully aware I’m saying this about a city. Irrational? Sure. But love has never exactly been a fan of logic.

    Everything looks sharper here. The trees. The pavement. The lights. Suddenly Halunke’s line “Dr Neonliechthimu isch niene so schön wi hie” hits a little too close to the heart. Love really might be one of the strongest forces on earth, and somehow, I’m experiencing it… geographically. Wrapped in familiar scents. Held by bricks, stones, leaves. Everything feels alive. The city feels alive. Alive in a way that makes me want to find its invisible zipper, unzip it, and climb right inside.

    It’s not that Bern is magical: even though, fine, it kind of is. It’s that it has something for me – I suppose. Something I’m only just beginning to understand. And I’m falling for it more with each trip, deliberately, savoring every step of the discovery.

    So here’s my unsolicited conclusion: if you’re lucky enough to find a place on earth that your soul, mind, and body all agree on: go. If you feel that quiet, persistent pull toward a place, listen to it. Trust your gut. It’s worth it. I promise.

  • Allergic to Consequences

    Three Negronis in, I’m blasting techno on my balance board, fully allergic to consequences, and temporarily evolving into the most unhinged version of myself to date. Snusless. Dopamine-starved. Adrenaline-deprived. I literally climbed a random parking-lot wall just to feel something. I could see the fire in my own eyes and honestly? I understood what some say about my gaze. Looking at my own eyes in the mirror gave me chills like I was looking into twin crystal balls.

    Nobody talks enough about the withdrawal symptoms of “the life as we knew it” before everything went… south. Or sideways. Or into whatever spiritual demolition site this is. Becoming emotionally numb was not on my vision board. I miss flirting. I miss fire. I miss dopamine. I miss adrenaline. I miss calculated chaos. The highs. The chase. The spark.

    I feel retired at 27. Twenty-seven. If Earth is a school and this is my one body rental, then yeah, this is inevitably YOLO, isn’t it? It’s not that deep. It’s not that serious. We’re all just running experiments in human form. Send the text. Drink the drink.

    A car almost hit me again today while skating to work. I’ve genuinely lost count how many near-death guest appearances I’ve had since moving to Milano. My entire timeline could flip in two seconds. Again. And when life is that fragile, what exactly are we pretending is so serious?

    I don’t want to feel retired at 27. I want to live. I literally have a “live life to the fullest” tattoo from when I was 16 on my rib. Yes, it’s cringe. But teenage me was onto something.

    I want to bomb downhill on bikes. Ride waves. Be a passenger princess in a speeding car or on a sports motorcycle. I want to boulder, climb peaks, dive deep, hold my breath till I feel high, swim in freezing water, skate downhill with questionable survival odds. Listen to loud music, I want to flirt like tomorrow is a suggestion. Meet people whose names I’ll forget, or remember forever.

    I want to be alive. Feel alive. Be present. Follow my heart. My gut. The madness. Wherever life leads.

    YOLO, right?

  • Snow

    On Saturday, we went on the first snow hike of the year. Me, the snow-obsessed newborn who predicted snowfall at 15 months old before anyone even taught her what snow was, purely by smelling the air, had already been homesick for mountains for weeks. Soul pull, heart pull, ancestral craving for snow, cheese, chocolate, and glacier lakes. I am basically Plüsch’s “Heimweh” song in human form.

    But ever since more awareness entered my life; since being casually thrown into the flames of my life force and having my soul wake up to itself my emotional landscape has… shifted. Unless I’m actively purging stored emotions from my body, I mostly feel… neutral. Which is wild for someone who used to chase feelings like a sport. I still feel. Just differently now. I feel peace. Love. Heart-pulls toward places. The “green-light” for aligned actions. And occasionally, that deep shell-cracking pain that splits you open so something new can grow. Apparently, that’s just part of the deal now. And when something doesn’t feel right, I still get “bad vibes.” That’s not new. The difference is: now I actually listen.

    Back to the hike. I’m a person who doesn’t love physical touch. But cold air? Cold air gets a VIP pass. I love how it nibbles at my skin. I feel my body when it’s crisp. You know those guided meditations where they tell you to “feel your body,” and you’re like… sir, I feel nothing? Same, unless there’s cold air, cold water, tight clothes, or I’m rolled into a burrito in blankets. Cold turns my system on. Makes me feel present. Also: I hate sweating. So it’s layers-off hiking with sleeveless tops. The more you move, the warmer you get. Perfect system. No notes.

    The hike itself: which old me wouldn’t have even called a “hike” because it lacked the usual physical suffering, felt more like a poetic snow walk. Afterwards, we went into the city in search of glühwein and accidentally ran into the Christmas lights countdown. I couldn’t have cared less about the ceremony itself, but being at the right place at the right time felt quietly adequate. Like a shiny little cherry on top. 

    Later, glühwein was found. And after five cups, I felt the pull to Bern hit me like a freight train. Not the usual soft background hum. This was the full-volume version, alcohol making everything feel more dramatic. The place my heart orbits. The gravitational field I pretend I can ignore. The comparison point for everywhere else on Earth. No matter where I go, Bern remains the blueprint. It’s like I do have a love of my life. It’s just… it’s a city. 

    The next day, slightly betrayed by mild hangover physics and a late night, I chose warmth. Because yes, I may have walked sleeveless at 2000 meters in a snowy mountain landscape and rolled around in snow like an unsupervised puppy, my skin demanded reparations. Herbal teas. Hydration. Homemade masks. Balance. Warm porridge. Hot showers. At my next place, I am signing up for a bathtub. And a sunny terrace. And plenty of space for my indoor plants that are growing faster than my hair.  

  • PMS Goblins – Or Are They Actually Messengers?

    What if PMS wasn’t a pack of unhinged basement goblins we’re supposed to chain up, hide from society, and pretend we don’t have?

    What if our symptoms were just… messengers?

    Loud, dramatic messengers, sure, but still pointing at everything we’ve been bottling up. That month. That year. Our whole damn life.

    What if our period is basically a monthly diagnostic scan? Not to torment us, but to highlight the unresolved: the wounds, the resentment, the grief, the tiny swallowed feelings we said we’d “deal with later.”

    Just like modern medicine, we slap bandaids on symptoms and avoid the root. PMS works the same way.

    If the same themes show up month after month (no matter how healed or self-aware we think we are) then maybe they’re not random. Maybe they’re the exact chapters we’re supposed to work on.

    I only realized this now. So I’m mapping out my emotional “PMS report” this cycle and actually working with it. Who knows, maybe my PMS goblin will turn into a gentle glittery fairy. Maybe that’s what she wanted all along: care, attention, appreciation. Not blame. Not shame. So yes, I’m apologizing to my sweet, chaotic red gremlin for all the times she tried her best to show what I had been bottling up to me only go get ignored. 

    Maybe we should all treat our period like a monthly staff meeting. HR barges in with her clipboard:

    “Heart, your boundaries need an upgrade. Inner Child, sweetheart, this is not a daycare, someone please hold this kid. We’ve contacted IT six times about the Abandonment Issues bug. They swear they’re working on it, but the system keeps crashing. Self-Worth, Self-Love, Self-Care: excellent performance this month, keep it up. Past Mistakes… stop showing up uninvited. We’re not rehiring.”

    Honestly? Start journaling every emotion PMS HR lady brings up. Then revisit it through the month. Work on it. Integrate it.

    Is it work? Yes. Are we getting paid for it? Not in money. But in nervous system stability, emotional resilience, and the ability to build healthy love someday? Absolutely.

    I’m not just working on myself for me. I am, for the family I might have. Because I know what emotional neglect looks like: how it shapes kids who grow into adults who flinch at touch, cry into pillows, isolate instead of ask for help, and treat vulnerability like a threat. I know what it’s like to be raised by parents whose nervous systems simply couldn’t hold mine. I know firsthand how the way our emotions were handled when we were young can make building a healthy relationship feel impossible: even when the love is real, the fear keeps showing up. How when we never observe healthy nervous system regulation, it takes us ages to learn it for ourselves. I know all about the urges to run away, disappear without saying a word and come back when I feel better. I know what it’s like to be misunderstood. I do not want my future kids to go through what I have. 

    Someone once asked me what my biggest aspiration in life was. I don’t remember what I said, but it’s always been this: to break the pattern. To be a good mother and a good partner. To raise emotionally aware kids who never have to feel as alone as I did.

    That’s my real ambition. Not the materialistic financial side of the story. That’s why I ended up on this path. Apparently I did choose this journey myself, just… it looks nothing like I thought it would, hence why I think I hadn’t signed up for this at all. Turns out, I have.

    If I’m meant to have a family one day, I want to meet them as the integrated, steady version of me. Not the girl who never had anyone to hold her when she needed it.

    And on the days when it all gets brutally hard -courtesy of an awakened life force doing whatever the hell it wants- it helps to remember what the point was all along.

  • Rowan & Maris: Story About Balance

    Rowan and Maris had lived in the same neighborhood for years. Same streets, same cafés, same grocery stores. They’d run into each other here and there; a bite to eat, a walk, a casual hangout. Nothing dramatic, nothing “plot twist” worthy. Just two people orbiting in the same little corner of the world.

    Rowan was older. The archetype of the sporty, fit guy who dressed with effortless minimalism and chased anything that made him feel free. He didn’t sit with his emotions; he outran them. He filled his calendar with friends, casual dates, work, travel, anything that offered a hit of dopamine, adrenaline, or distraction. He loved parties, substances, loud music. On the outside, he looked calm, grounded, chill. Inside, he overthought everything. Calculated every move. Carried an insecurity he tried to hide under all that nonchalance.

    His need for validation came from a quiet place: parents who loved him but didn’t see him. They never acknowledged how hard he worked, how strong he had been. So he smoked to quiet the noise. He smoked to sleep. Peace was always an external effort.

    Maris was his opposite. Less socially outgoing, introverted unless she was with her tiny inner circle. She grew up misunderstood, even by her parents. An only child with the weight of an entire lineage sitting on her shoulders. Mistakes weren’t allowed. Emotions meant weakness. She spent her childhood excelling because she had to, not because she wanted to. A predetermined career in design by age nine. A life as an athlete she never asked for. Competing when all she wanted was to escape into her imagination.

    Maris belonged to nature: sea, forest, wind. The slow life. She felt everything deeply; a sponge soaking up the energy of every room, every environment. She needed silence, solitude, space. She never fit in anywhere: not in the country she grew up in, not in the country she moved to, not in any belief system she tried to make sense of. People sensed she was different, called her weird, a witch, an alien. Rejected her intuition, and chipped away at her self-worth until it hit rock bottom. Her life collapsed. She ran to the mountains, to cold air, to nature, just to keep breathing.

    Maris was lost. Rowan was maintaining a self-care routine that felt alien to her. He was like a foreign species when they first met. A sweet one, but still foreign. And somehow, this random man who showed up out of nowhere ended up teaching her some of the biggest lessons of her life.

    Then the universe did what it always does: it cornered them both.

    Their mobility injuries forced them to slow down. Forced Rowan to sit with himself, truly sit. No running. No escape routes. He had to learn emotional regulation from the inside out. He had to accept life instead of fighting it. He accepted he couldn’t rationalize everything. He started believing. “What’s meant will unfold.”

    Maris reached similar truths from a different path. She faced her past, her traumas, the masks she wore since she was 13. Her unaligned friendships fell apart. She broke apart and rebuilt herself. She made new aligned friendships. She went to the city that made her feel whole to work out her “inner peace” muscle. She practiced showing up fully aligned, calm, and heart-centered; learning the vibes of peace firsthand. So that later, she could carry that energy wherever she went, no need for a grounding, chill human (or a city) to do it for her. She could be whole on her own. Fully, unapologetically, complete.

    Her anxiety was coming from her need to control the unfolding of her life, and her lack of trust in the bigger picture. She released control. “Even when nothing makes sense, it always unfolds the way it’s supposed to. It may not look like what I imagined, but everything works out for my good, and I do not have to control anything.”

    And then life brought them together again. But this time, both were different.

    Rowan had become strong enough to hold her without collapsing himself. Maris trusted herself now. She didn’t search for answers outside; she looked inward. She wasn’t doubting anymore. She wasn’t chasing. He wasn’t running. She was grounded. He was steady. She was emotionally regulated. And he neither avoided her, nor himself. She wasn’t rushing, she was patient. Her stubbornness had dissolved into thin air as she matured. He was already aware, mature, and now so was she.

    They co-existed instead of clashing. Maris introduced him to gentler ways of regulating the mind and body; natural supplements, calming practices, nervous system hygiene. Rowan brought her structure. Stability. Boundaries. He showed her consistency, a kind of presence she wasn’t used to. They both gave each other space. They both appreciated each other. Maris knew it took a great deal of strength to be able to ground someone as floaty as herself. She acknowledged how strong Rowan was. And Rowan held her softness, protected and cherished it like a precious treasure.

    She stopped over-giving. He respected her limits. She held space for him without judgement when he had hard days. He softened. She sharpened without losing her warmth. His motivation for fitness shifted from ego to longevity as he faced his mere mortality and saw he was in fact not invincible. Hers went from endurance to energetic flow, strengthening her body so that it can hold her energy without crumbling. They both stopped using movement to escape and started using it to stay healthy.

    They both stopped procrastinating and delaying what they didn’t want to face. They communicated clearly without bottling anything up and exploding later in their own ways. Maris had her own creative outlets, and Rowan stopped being a people-pleaser and realized his feelings and words mattered. That he could speak up without fear of rejection, or fear of creating conflict.

    They loved, respected and appreciated each other deeply.

    In that balance, they created a world where their daughter, Lumi, could thrive. Safe. Seen. Expressive. Barefoot, laughing, playful, free to be her wonderfully ridiculous self. No pressure to fit in. No pressure to dim her imagination.

    Maris shared her dreams; Rowan trusted her intuition. She guided with feeling; he grounded with action. Together, they created not from attachment or fear, but alignment. And that gave Lumi the safest environment possible.

    And yes, they lived happily. But not because their relationship saved them. Because they saved themselves first.

    This is a story about inner harmony; the polar energies inside each of us. Rowan and Maris represent every person’s inner masculine and inner feminine, and Lumi our inner child. Of course they may look different for each person, but what I have found out that people in similar journeys have similar blueprints and architecture. 

    At the beginning of the story, they were only “running into each other” because that’s exactly what we do internally, shifting between polarities as they awaken at different times. Some people barely notice. Some people live entire lifetimes without understanding which part of them is driving the wheel.

    But this journey? It leads to one destination: inner union. Balance. Peace. A stable system. A life lived from alignment with one’s authentic self shed from conditioning, trauma, false-beliefs with integration, not through escapism. Coming home to yourself. To home-frequency. 

    When these polar energies are balanced within, we can start living from our hearts, with love. Not as an attachment, not as a feeling, but as a frequency. As a way of being. Simply existing with the flow of life and of universe:

    Drifting along the river of dreams, floating with the current of the stars, dancing with the tides of time, sailing the ocean of our souls and gliding through the waves of destiny.

    I don’t know yet what life will look like now that I’m whole within myself. All I know is that I met Rowan in the flesh so that I could eventually meet, and heal; my inner Rowan, my inner Maris, and my inner Lumi. So that I could come into harmony. So that I could stand on my own. So that I could become whole. All I know, is that I do not need to control anything. And I can let myself go. 

  • Mood: Cozy AF

    Self-love tip: make your home a place you actually want to be. Not just a pit-stop where your soul slowly rots between Zoom calls and half-eaten snacks. A home you can’t wait to go back to. A place that says: “Yeah, I see you. Come in. Chill. You deserve this.”

    Today I rearranged furniture. That’s it. Simple. Took me two years to think of it. TWO. YEARS. And suddenly my tiny apartment went from “meh” to “holy cow, this is home.” That coffee table I got a few weeks ago? Sweet budget-friendly IKEA magic. Candles? Multiple. Pillows? Too many. Go wild, folks. You literally can’t go wrong.

    My home vibes like a chill girl who has: a shell (and stone) obsession (because yes, these are heirloom grade), handmade mini-surfboards (sanded for hours and painted by yours truly), named plants (all remembered, obviously, because I have priorities), and mood lights cause that’s the ultimate “ambiance that recharges you” item. 

    And then there’s me. Dress code: flat shoes, black jeans, T-shirt tucked in, black belt, black zipped hoodie, black jacket, green beanie. Ruggedly handsome inner masculine vibes coming back home: soft, cozy, feminine paradise. Balance achieved. The power couple. My inner masculine (woodworking, sporty king, calm, structured, disciplined, self-worth, protective) + my inner feminine (candles, shells, aesthetic perfection, mood lights, intuition, art, cozy vibes, good food). They’re keeping my inner child thriving, not just surviving. The “three” of “us?” We finally unlocked the ultimate chill level. 

    This era? Me dating myself. Me hugging my creative spark that came back from a 5-year hibernation slumber party. Me being cozy AF. And yes… no flip flops given. 😘

    And I can finally exhale, “ah yes, life’s good.” 

  • Mission: Inner Peace (Now With Extra Sass)

    Nothing whispers “mission accomplished” softer than uniting with your own energy after years of chasing nervous system regulation like it was a limited-edition NFT. Yeah. I said it. Me, myself, and my vibe: finally in alignment. Chill, calm, and absolutely unwilling to outsource my peace ever again.

    And then there’s my creative spark. Oh, the elusive little rascal. Vanished years ago like it was dodging taxes, only to waltz back in a few nights ago with, “Hi, remember me? Let’s doodle.” Not AI-generated, thank you very much. AI could try, but it doesn’t have my brain’s level of chaotic brilliance. My head is basically a Pinterest board for symbolic dreams, very specific snack cravings, mixing things I love (the Aare, fondue and the animals at Dählhölzli) into an artwork. Think an alternate universe Bern where the Aare is flowing fondue, the herbivorous zoo animals have turned into cheese eaters, and they’re having a “fondueschwumm” meanwhile the carnivorous ones are BBQing at Eichholz. Don’t worry they bought the meats from supermarkets, no zoo animals were harmed making these illustrations. Yay my child level absurd creativity is back. 

    So there I am, cozy-ass apartment, candles flickering like tiny, passive-aggressive cheerleaders, fake sunlight doing its best impression of a tropical vacation, playful music playing like it has insider knowledge of my mood swings. I’m drawing. Then I’m sawing wood. Sanding it. Smelling the nostalgia of sawdust from childhood… it’s literally the adult version of playing with Lego, but with a hint of meditative stillness. Maybe I inherited some of my dad’s craftsmanship genes, maybe I’m just happy to have something that doesn’t require Wi-Fi.

    Oh, and yes, I’m on a social-media hiatus. Hermit mode: activated. I posted my illustrations in my stories, called my mom (hi, mom!), that’s it. No notifications. No external stimulation. Just me, my thoughts, and the occasional existential chuckle.

    Because sometimes, hermit mode isn’t “antisocial,” it’s the height of self-love. It’s a soft rebellion against chaos: “I’m too peaceful to scroll. I will eat the Rösti and let my tastebuds dance. I will sip my tea. I will spend time with my plants.”

    In the quietest, softest way, life throws random surges of happiness at me as well. Love. Gratitude. Little nudges that feel like someone sprinkled edible glitter on my aura. It feels… yummy. Like, I-can’t-believe-this-is-real-but-it-is yummy.

    And the icing on the cake? My inner runner and inner chaser finally RSVPed “yes” to the self-love party. No drama, no chasing, no fleeing. The party has one strict dress code: heart-centered vibes only. And the DJ? Yours truly, spinning only tracks approved by my nervous system.

    So here I am. Peaceful, calm, armed with my art, my sawdust, my emergency fondue and chocolate stashes, and a renewed appreciation for the absurdity of being human. No Bern. No cosmic outsourcing. Just me. My vibes. My energy.

    And truly? I’ve entered my “I lived, I healed, and I’m kinda hot about it” era. I’m living proof you can survive full‑body ego extractions, spiritual plot twists that make telenovelas look subtle, dark nights, emotional detoxes, cosmic curveballs, karmic escape rooms, entanglements so confusing they deserved subtitles, identity deaths, resurrection arcs, and whatever the hell you call “healing while inhaling sawdust.”

    And somehow? I came out of it with good skin, working chakras, and a nervous system that no longer files HR complaints about my lifestyle.

    So no, I wasn’t supposed to be a monk. Or the next Buddha!? I’m still me, just healed and regulated. Plus balanced, finally. I’ve been craving balance more than some Libras I know. 

    But here’s the humbling part: I’m fully aware life might drag me into another dark night if there’s more junk to peel off. And that’s fine (optionally I can really live without one.) But right now? I’m enjoying the absolute hell out of this peace.

    Because me (and the pillows that have absorbed several liters of my emotional hydration), we earned this era.

    And I’m unapologetically YAYing to that.