Month: May 2026

  • Learning to Love

    There came a point where I realized all the ways I had been running from love. And all the ways I had obsessed over it the second my heart opened. Either I was too detached, rational and emotionally closed off, or too attached, dreamy and completely consumed by it. There was never really a middle ground. 

    That’s not healthy, is it? Both extremes still signal to life that I don’t fully know how to love in a grounded, healthy way. 

    I’m obviously not going to receive the kind of love I dream of only to repeat the same cycles again. That chapter of my life feels closed now. We’re apparently doing everything differently this time, from scratch. Which is honestly disorienting. It feels very “The Fool” and “The Sun” with a hint of “The Star.” If you know Tarot, you know exactly what I mean. 

    So I started asking myself: how do we open our hearts to love without getting lost in it? How do we allow intimacy without disappearing into fantasy, over-giving, projection and the endless hopeless romantic spiral that ends up hurting more than reality itself? 

    I have always felt split between two versions of myself. 

    One is the hopeless romantic fairy with sparkly doe eyes who wants soul-level love, eternity, poetry, destiny and emotional merging. 

    The other is detached, hyper-rational, emotionally guarded, uncomfortable with vulnerability, needing space and solitude, trying to control emotions, situations and outcomes before they can become overwhelming. 

    For a long time, I thought inner union meant choosing one side or perfectly balancing the two. And in many ways, I have balanced them. But apparently, love was the final lesson. 

    The truth is, both sides were fear responses in different disguises. One side escaped into fantasy and emotional intensity. The other escaped into detachment and control. 

    And somewhere in between those extremes, I found the actual lesson: 

    “I can feel someone deeply without losing myself in them.” 

    That sentence changed everything for me. 

    I realized healing wasn’t about becoming less sensitive, less intuitive or less romantic. It wasn’t about killing the dreamy, spiritual, deeply feeling parts of myself. Those parts are beautiful. 

    The real lesson was learning to pair them with grounding. 

    To pair intuition with discernment. Sensitivity with boundaries. Romantic depth with self-respect. Spiritual connection with reality. An open heart with emotional regulation. 

    To stop confusing chaos with depth. To stop romanticizing inconsistency, ambiguity and emotional suffering as signs of “real love.” 

    Because real love is not losing yourself in another person. It’s being fully yourself while loving them deeply. 

    And honestly? It’s easier said than done. Especially when you’re naturally wired toward fantasy, longing and intensity. But I genuinely believe everything can be rewired with awareness and practice. 

    Maybe balance was never about becoming half-dreamer and half-logician. 

    Maybe it was about learning how to keep my heart open without getting lost in the process.

  • Question It

    If we think about all the TV shows, and movies, and even children stories… there’s always some sort of drama. Action. Betrayal. Fear, scarcity. Bad people doing bad things, cruelty, gruesome violence… 

    What does that signal to our nervous system? Seriously. 

    You come home to unwind, and you watch something that’s even more stressful than anything you had been through in your entire life, and we binge watch these things. We even get trauma-bonded with shows. Like Game of Thrones, Handmaid’s Tale… 

    Why? 

    Why does our brain have the need to give itself that weird mix of brain chemicals that we don’t actually need to function as healthy, grounded adults? 

    There’s violence in video games. People even take a game such as the Sims and take it into a torture game where they trap their Sims and witness countless of ways for a Sim to die. 

    Let’s not forget for centuries before bright screens came into our homes, humans actually created all sorts of conflict, drama, violence, brawls, wars, brutal murders… the list goes on. And for what, exactly? Religion? More land? More power? What was the actual point of all the bloodshed? 

    Who even said power equals violence? Why was true power never about empathy, compassion, peace, and getting along with each other without needing any rules throughout our existence? Why was it never about simply co-existing in peace, understanding, and unity? Why did we ever need such divisions, and labels? 

    Why do we do this? Animals don’t kill for joy. They don’t torture another. They don’t simulate such scenarios. Is it because they can’t talk? That they don’t have opposable thumbs? Or simply because they are “less evolved?”

    When did evolution, being intelligent start meaning we’re simply being cruel – whether in a simulation, in the movies, shows, documentaries we watch, or in walking life… 

    Then we get easily trauma-bonded in our relationships, in our lives, the same way we can’t stop binge watching a show that gets our nervous systems on edge. 

    Why is a safely regulated nervous system is such a danger to our brains? I’ll tell you why. Because it’s boring. 

    Regulating emotions is boring. Taking care of yourself when you can simply opt out, choose a distraction over yourself, doing energy work to raise your frequency – and then keeping it there, or even bringing it back up after it goes down because something happens in the external world, is a lot of work. And it is boring to our dopamine wired brains. It’s not even only boring, it’s difficult. 

    Our brains love the easy way. External validation. Chasing anything outside of ourselves to feel whole. Wanting someone to hug us to feel safe. Getting external attention. Getting approval. Our brains love copying the external world instead of diving inward to figure out who we actually are. 

    Humans learn through experience and observation. It’s coded in our DNA. We have evolved this way. Society tells us what’s right and what’s wrong. There are these rules the world’s built on. Then our families, schools, friends… they tell us what to do. Which path to follow. Who we are. We are born with our religion, nationality, language chosen for us. That’s something I had never understood since I was a toddler. How come the choices my parents made, in which I was never consulted simply because I didn’t even exist, dictate my life? 

    And when you stop to question it all, they call it a spiritual awakening. When you stop to question who you really are and why you came here in the first place… you really start standing out as it is currently not an average human feature. 

    It’s not a spiritual awakening. It’s the baseline. The default mode. You’re going back to the basics. They call it breaking free of the Matrix, but let’s face it, as long as we are here, breathing this air and existing in our bodies, we are not escaping the Matrix and ending up in Zion with plugs on our bodies. No. We’re simply existing as sovereign individuals that don’t need much external to feel whole. 

    Not very ideal for a capitalist system who built itself on control, fear, and lies, is it?